Beauty's unspoken rules

I broke rules yesterday.  It was like walking through a field waiting for land mines to detonate.  As I write these words I feel the level of violence that is right next to beauty - or perhaps the violence that pursues beauty without fainting. 
I went to a women's luncheon that I help lead - in a long bright pink dress, with dangling chandelier earrings, and a flower in my casual up do.  Although I was keenly aware that I hadn't shaped my eyebrows in a couple of weeks, I actually felt pretty.  That's not the norm.  This is what I'm used to:

Be pretty, but not too pretty.
Be pretty so other women compliment you and admire your beauty, but don't overdo it or they'll feel jealous and will hate you for your beauty.
In fact, be pretty, but NOT beautiful.
Be beautiful because men love beautiful women - and when women aren't jealous, they do, too.
Don't be too beautiful though - that's dangerous. If you're too lovely, you invite the violence of men against you - the lust of their eyes devouring you and the possibility of physical violence against you trying to steal and posess your beauty.
Don't flaunt your beauty - that's arrogant.
Don't stand out amidst the crowd - blend in - but feel free to add your own touch of personality - just don't overdo it.

In the midst of feeling content with how I looked, I also felt fear and ambivalence.  I was afraid what other women would say to me, or how they would look at me. 
I've felt contempt so many times - the hatred that pours forth from eyes and mocking words, "I hate you because of how you look and who you are."  That from women who don't actually know me - maybe they just met me or perhaps I'm walking by.  They don't know me - but they hate me.  In some ways it would be great if understanding their contempt towards me helped me feel better, but  it hasn't.  I've used my insight as a shield to blunt the pain of the piercing swords that are the world's ravaging hatred of all that is lovely and beautiful.  That just means that my heart has another layer of hardness covering it - just another way that I agree that my beauty is too much - not at all what I really want.

The self-hatred, the disgust, the rejection of one's own body, feminity, vulnerability...these all lead to the contempt towards others who have what you think you want or need.  Those feelings have been friends - or shall I say foes...and I kept my foes closer than my friends - for many years.  They too work as a shield - or at least we pretend that they do.  If I feel self-hatred I don't have to deal with the deep hurt, pain, real rejection I've experienced.  I get to stay a victim and blame others. 
I've lived that way for a long time.  That's not how I want to live the rest of my life. 

So, I broke the rules.  And there was one comment just as I expected, but after that I was surprised at what I found - several women who seemed to freely offer, "You look beautiful!"  "Oh that dress is a lovely color on you."  "Wow - you look so pretty." 

Those words were gifts to me.  And they gave me courage to break the rules again.  I feel the shackles falling off with each "rule" I break - more freedom to be who God made me to be.  Now, that's life!!! 

Women

Tonight I went to two "female" events - the first a networking group of which I'm a part; the second was a party hosted for two other friends in direct sales (I also had a table there with my Juice Plus+ stuff).  I have ambivalence about "female" events - women can be so damn mean.  The first event was a hit - we had a good turnout, I met new people and had an overall enjoyable time.  It was over half way into the second event when I encountered a few women who typify what I don't like about females. 
Warm to some; cold to others.  Standoffish.  Rude with a smile.  Sarcastic.  Contemptuous in subtle ways.  In the presence of women like this I lose my footing - am I accepted?  Am I wanted?  I fall into people pleasing mode because I want them to do the impossible - approve of me.  The thing is - when I stop and look at who they are and how they treat others, I don't like them and definitely don't want them to be in my life in any way. 
The exchange was short, but very quickly it was clear that I wasn't part of the "in crowd" and soon enough I was overtly put "in my place."  Shame.  Yep, she used it.  It's amazing how subtle yet how extremely powerful it is.  She made a comment - more with body language than words - that expressed contempt towards me; it seemed as though I was the butt of a joke (though I didn't ever hear one...).  Well, I definitely don't like that feeling.  I know that one all too well. 
Instead of engaging her in the contempt, I turned around and walked away.  Only I no longer made eye contact with them and my demeanor changed.  Bummer!  I gave her power over me even though the whole time my heart was saying that I didn't want a woman like that to be my customer anyway - she was mean-spirited.  I look forward to the day when I have words - strong, piercing, loving, exposing (like ripping the bandage off a wound)  words - in the moment.  I long for the day when I don't react but thoughtfully respond.  Little by little.  Step by step I'm getting there. 
It wasn't until I looked back at the words I used to describe these women that I realized how close to home hit.  These women withhold approval and acceptance, dangle it, offer it freely to chosen others, but make some of us pay for simply existing.  Damn, do I know this bind. 
I don't want to be a woman like that - shaming, withholding, insecure, contemptuous, unpredicatble, snide.  Even as I write, I'm aware of how easy it would be to "take her apart" with my insight and effectively shame her...all so I don't have to feel the hurt of what happened.  But I'm tired of living that way - self-protecting, covering my vulnerable, feminine heart, my strong, fiercly loving heart. 
I want to love with abandon resting in Your love and acceptance of me.  Heal the wounds that still sting, and make new connections in my brain so that my attachment is wholly to You. 

It's really me

I have to start writing.  I’ve let it go for months.  I’ve been busy growing my Juice Plus+ business and have let go of this much needed outlet.  What’s funny is that when I’m not actually writing, I “write” in my head.  I write out these blogs – speak them out to myself and God – when I’m on my walks.  And for months now I’ve been hemming and hawing about whether or not I should really write from my voice.  A lot of people probably think, huh?  “Your voice?   You don’t have a problem expressing your opinions…”  I would say, don’t be so sure.  I’m a good faker.  And I’m tired of faking it to ensure others’ approval and acceptance.  My voice, the one God gave me, is the only one I want to offer.  That takes practice.  So, I’m starting to practice.  Right here.  Right now.  Thanks to Brene Brown’s book, I Thought it Was Just Me, for en-couraging me to start….here’s how….In the introduction she says this, “In one of its earliest forms, the word courage  meant, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”  I honestly think this is something that I would like to be on my gravestone – “Kristie, she spoke her mind by sharing all her heart.”  This Captures me with a capital C.  I LONG to do this - speak my mind and share my heart - and in so doing, connect with others.  But I’m afraid to speak my mind and I’m afraid to tell my heart for fear of rejection.  And if rejection doesn't silence me, then this one will: What if you misunderstand me?  Ugh, I HATE being misunderstood.  It’s one of the worst feelings to me.  Well, I suppose because it leaves me feeling ashamed – alienated and alone and a little crazy, like there’s something wrong with me because you didn’t understand me.  If I could just get you to understand me, see things from my perspective, validate me, then, maybe then, I would feel “okay.”  I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’ve read enough self-help books AND paid to get a counseling degree AND paid for lots of therapy to know that this is co-dependent and unhealthy, and just plain untrue.  Maybe some of you wouldn’t have had to go to such great lengths, (again perhaps it’s just me…), but I did.  And truth be told, I still don’t really get it deep down.  My head has all of this great knowledge, but it’s not all wisdom (someone said that wisdom is applied knowledge…I like that definition).  Shame is deep.  It’s amazing that the next line that surfaced in my mind and heart right now are “Love is deeper still.”  Hallelujah – that is a miracle!  Seriously, that is part of the transforming power of the Holy Spirit,  that I truly believe – in my heart of hearts - that love is bigger and deeper than shame.  With that I will rest for the night…I want to go fold laundry while I watch “Broadway or Bust” on PBS…just for the record, I don’t actually want to fold laundry…and the show will likely stir up all kinds of grief, envy and longing amidst awe and inspiration!  Just how it goes around here in this heart of mine! 

Peace out,

Kristie

Day ??? of ??? The experiment is still on :)

It’s been too long since I’ve posted about my daily experiences; I’ve been going to bed at 10:30 instead of 12:30…that’s been good for me and the girls :)  So today as I’m along for the journey to Orlando I can tell you about yesterday’s walk. Every couple of days I grab a quick walk just before dinner – the weather is still delicious – it drops to 80 or below, the sun is setting and sometimes a little breeze graces my face.  

Making my way around the little bend in the long driveway, feeling the rhythm of my arms and legs moving quickly over the knotted roots from trees that have seen the events of decades past, the sparkling rays took me by surprise as they stretched over my face like long, warm fingers of a tender, loving hand.  As I paused and looked up at the setting sun, my heart rested in the knowing that regardless of the events of the day He holds the universe – and little me - in the palm of His hand.  The driveway stretched onward and so did I, until the vibrant green of the waving field grass caught my eye – and the big black beauty enjoying the pasture. 

We finally rounded the bend and it seemed the sun greeted us here, too.  The picture is a dim reflection of the reality, much like the scene itself portrays only a shadow of the beauty that will be.  This beauty fills my heart so, how will I hold the beauty that He has in store?  Make my heart bigger to receive more of You – the beautiful One who spoke such life into being.      

The road stretches out in front of me and my trusty walking companion, and the sun descends a bit more leaving behind pinks, yellows and purples that all artists would love to capture on canvas. 

 The scent bowls me over – the North Carolina mountain air – or is it the air of the coming Kingdom?  Since the NC mountains are God’s country, maybe it’s just one and the same ;)  I bend low to find what it is that fills my senses, but as I move in, it eludes me.  I have a hunch that it’s some kind of wild lavender.  Isn’t it intriguing that scent and memory are connected in the very wiring of our brains?  Think back to those times when a smell suddenly takes you back to when you were 22 sitting on the rocky shore with a dear friend or in a café in some country surrounded by strangers.  

Whatever the scent, there is a memory.  The memory may not always be sweet, but the fact that He’s given us the ability to remember is.  Our memories remind us who we are and from where we’ve come.  Memory is my footpath of redemption – step by step remembering all of the sweet, strong, even miraculous ways He’s rescued me. 

Even now as I write these words, I see how these evening walks have been His pursuit of me – His invitation to walk with Him in the cool of the evening.  My heart melts and my eyes overflow with tears – overwhelmed by His love for me.  My faint heart still whispers in its wonder, could it be true?  Could He really love me so intimately, so sweetly, so tenderly?  I’ve never known a love like His, but even as a little girl at summer camp my heart has always known it is this love, indeed Love Himself, for whom I was made. 

Thank You for bringing me Home and giving me the surety that one day these feeble eyes of mine will finally see those never waivering eyes of Yours.  

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

Peace,

Kristie

Day 14 of 21

Giggles and squeals - these are some of my favorite sounds - even though the squeals can seemingly pierce the sound barrier :)  

The fun of finding ones toes (or someone else's toes) every time shoes or socks come off.  "TOES!"

Listening as my eldest pretends she can read one of my books and makes up a story that doesn't really make sense, but uses lots of impressive words :)  

Giving "eskimo kisses" and "butterfly kisses" to my youngest...did I say that already...it really is one of the cutest things in the world...especially when she has her elephant (efant as she calls it) towel on her head.

Two little naked bottoms running across the yard with nothing but shoes.

Happy feet dance because she's super excited to play the butterflies game (note to self: I MUST get this on video).  

Here they are with the butterfly nets on their heads:

LJ's questions about God and her comments like this: "I think when I die and go to Heaven I will hug Jesus.  He's my favorite person.  Will I be big when I get to Heaven?"  Do I cry because she even says the words, "when I die..." or do I marvel that she's even saying these things...hmmm...Where do they get these questions?  (And why do ours stop?)

The daily trek to feed Mrs. Princess Beverly Rude (as she's now called)...this one with over-sized umbrellas on a lovely sunny morning (to keep the sun out of her eyes of course!):

And when my husband wears the girls bows in his hair because it's in his face - ha! - especially when he's cleaning the kitchen ;)  Thank you, babe! 

Thank You, for these, a few of my favorite things!  

I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad....

Peace,

Kristie

Day 13 of 21

I volunteered to help teach Sunday school so that it's not all on one momma's shoulders.  I give myself kudos for this; it's waaaaayyyyy out of my comfort zone.  I would rather get up and sing in front of the church or teach a lesson to a group of people than teach Sunday school.  Teaching Sunday school makes me sweat.  Sweat like I'm all anxious and feel insecure about my abilities to connect with 3 & 4 year olds (yes, I have an almost 4 year old…I am a little better at connecting with just her…at least some days perhaps).  Little kids play, and play is a foreign language that I'm struggling to learn.  My girls are teaching me each day, but I'm a much slower learner than I'd like to be.  

Today was different.  I didn't sweat at all, I just had fun.  There were four little girls who were full of giggles and stories.  We sang a couple of songs, marched around the room, smelled a flower, felt a pine cone, talked about plants and trees and flowers and fruits, and read the story of how God made them.  There was even a squirrel that made a special appearance outside the window to illustrate the point that some seeds that plants make are food for animals :)  I enjoyed their questions and laughter, their curiosity and exuberance.  I didn't feel pressure to get the lesson done (I have a teency issue with feeling overly responsible for things, so I can feel a lot of pressure since it's supposed to be time to learn about Jesus!).   I enjoyed being with them - this is a big step for me!  In the back of my mind I'd been thinking how I can't wait until summer comes so I will be relieved of my duties, but after today I'll give it a second thought.  I know Liana Joy loves that I'm there with her; I hope that I can be freed up more to love it too!    

Thank You for these precious children.  Thank You for silly songs and the joy of stickers.  Thank You Jesus for never giving up on us, for always redeeming the broken places, for repaying for all that the locusts have eaten.  You are kind and gracious, Your mercy and love are boundless, and You are the best teacher there is.  Thank You for who You are - You have blessed me with Your presence.  Bless me more.  

Peace,

Kristie

Day 12 of 21

Innocence…the beauty of a little girl running around adorned in their God-given clothes.  Living in the country affords certain perks – for my girls, one of them is being “little escapees” (aka nude) J Today Liana Joy raced around the pool with glee over and over again.  She’d stop for a few moments and take a dip.  She is my Nordic child…the pool is quite chilly to me, but she gets in and splashes about in spite of the temperature.  Her delight in running, in the “poses” that she can do, and in jumping off the bed into a stack of pillows is a picture of how carefree life should be and indeed, will be one day.  I’m grateful for the reminder of a light load and the wonder of a child.  She invites me to chase her and we’re off to the races.  She pleads with me to get in the pool, but my toes are frozen, so I dare not put more of me in!  She throws the Frisbee and waits a second to see if I’ll try to get it first; she loves to play tag, duck, duck, goose and any other game that involves running and winning.  I don’t think it’s about the winning as much as about a place of power (kids are so often powerless -- there's just so much they simply can't do for themselves, not to mention all of the other ways they experience that feeling in their daily lives) – mommy can’t get the Frisbee before her, and I can never seem to catch her in tag or duck, duck, goose.  She loves this.  I love that I can still play tag and run with her (not for long though – she’s fast!).  I love how she looks over at me and peers through my sunglasses to make sure that I’m watching her newest dance.  She proudly prances in the kitchen and shows off the stripes she’s colored on her face and the spots on her belly (she’s inspired Zoe who has also taken up body coloring as of late!).  Whew – I’m tired, are you?  I love the energy of children but do think it a better plan to share some of that with the momma and daddy!  Zoe wakes from her nap and shouts, “Mommeeee” – one of my favorite sounds is her sweet voice.  It’s not long until she’s coloring again – her belly is red and her legs, too.  She’s proud of her work.  So quickly they grow.  18 months and in less than two weeks, a 4 year old!  I’m thankful for these moments.  I want to hold onto them – burn them in my memory, etch them in my heart.  I am reminded of the words to this song and as a parent, I understand them a bit more these days:

“My name is graven on His hands,

My name is written on His heart…”

Children are graven on our hands and written with a scalpel on our hearts - deeply and permanently.  I am thankful for these two girls on loan from God.  They are agents of His grace and mercy to me in ways I could never have imagined.  Thank You.  May they rise up and call me blessed and may You say, “Well done, my good and faithful daughter.” 

Peace,

Kristie

 “Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God! 

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God”

Listen here:  http://www.jango.com/music/Shane+Shane?l=0

Day 11 of 21

The cool evening air (I do realize how relative the word cool is…it’s a warm cool!) that blows the leaves from the trees is refreshing.  The sunlight is filtered through the tops of many trees so that we walk in shade interspersed with pockets of bright sunshine.  The singing birds serenade us.  It’s just right for a walk and bike ride with the girls and Rusty.  The small hill gives a challenge to meet and a fun descent.  We enjoy a snack of kiwi in the parking lot where we leave our car to get to the walking trail.  Zoe does her happy feet dance while she signs and says that she’s “cited.” Click. I set that moment in my memory.  Liana Joy asks for me to watch her again as she does another dance – this time she shows me how she can hop on one foot in a circle.  The girls begin to play a game of tag and giggle boisterously.  Click.  My mental camera captures another priceless moment.  Daddy shows up on his way home from work and the girls give shouts that always melt my heart, “Daddy!  Daddy!”  Click.  Another snapshot.  Rusty wags his tail like a helicopter blade and happily greets his owner.  After playing a few more games of tag and duck, duck, goose, the girls get in the car and head for home with Daddio.  Click.  I run an errand by myself soaking up the silence, and open the windows to enjoy the wind blowing through my hair.  I listen for His voice.  I pay attention to His presence.  I receive an appetizer of refreshment.  Click.  

I feel as if I need a ten course meal, but choose to trust that I’m given what I can receive.  May my ability to receive ever increase so that I am overflowing with You.  Thank You.

Keep speaking to my heart, changing my life, and making me whole.    

Peace,

Kristie

Day 10 of 21

Today I’ve been a bit disconnected and overwhelmed.  It seems that there’s always too much to do and not enough time or energy to do it.  Every so often – much more often than I’d like – I feel this way. It’s usually when I haven’t taken the time to be still and simply be.  So, during the girls’ nap time I took a bit of time to do just that.  I’m so grateful that I did.  I took a couple of books, a magazine and notecards and went outside to sit at the patio table overlooking the garden of azaleas.  It was only a couple of paragraphs into an article that I felt the Lord urging me to walk down the path through the azaleas. 

The azaleas are full of blooms – new blossoms unfolding every day.  Their sweet scent floats along on the breeze with the buzzing of bees and the songs of birds as its accompanying symphony.  There was a spot along the trail where the sun shone like a spotlight through the trees; I stopped there to bask in the warmth of the sun.  As the rays of the sun gently and intensely reached through the trees to envelop me in its light and heat, I realized that I was basking in the warmth of the Son*.  I sensed His presence and His words of love.  He was inviting me to look around and take in the beauty that surrounded me.  As I did, the words washed over me that I am more beautiful than the whole garden of azaleas.  Did I believe that?  Could I receive that and really take it in?  Well, if you’ve seen the glory of these azaleas and the ugliness that can come from my heart at times, you’d know why it would’ve been easy for me to dismiss those words.  But I didn’t.  Instead, I decided to risk believing that God sees all of me and loves me – that indeed, I am quite beautiful to Him.  It’s honestly even hard for me to write those words for so many reasons,  but I do it in faith and obedience.

I’m so thankful for His gentle ways, His stooping down to speak in ways that I can understand, His relentless pursuit of my heart, and His marvelous creativity. 

May you be blessed by the hands that hold the cosmos and your very heart.  And may you hear His words spoken over you and receive them deep in your being. 

Lord Jesus, thank You that You are speaking to my heart, changing my life and making me whole. 

Peace,

Kristie

*Please note that I am NOT saying that Jesus is the sun.  To be sure, Jesus made the sun and sees fit to allow the created things to illuminate the Creator.  

Day 9 of 21

We’re almost home.  Sweet Zoe Grace is crying in the back seat because she is D.O.N.E. with her car seat.  These are the moments when we can’t make it home fast enough.  It’s been a looonnnngggg day for all of us and home will be a sweet landing.  In the midst of the sleep deprivation, we have had a remarkably good day; for which I’m so thankful.

  

It’s on some of these really long days that I treat myself to a dessert in a cup – also known as a coffee from Starbucks.  My current (okay, longstanding) fav is a tall, soy, cinnamon dolce latte with 2 pumps instead of 3 – with WHIP.  Today it went down over ice (even on hot summer days hot coffee drinks are a delight, but the barista made it on ice and it looked good, so why not be daring?)  And wow! It was tasty!  The cool iced coffee flavor with crunchy, sugar and coffee coated ice cubes – what’s not to love?  To top it off, the whip didn’t melt like it does on my hot drinks, so I got to enjoy every last creamy lick.  I must confess that though the rest of my life is dairy free, I relish that large dollop of creamy, fluffy, sweet topping on my dessert, um drink.  And though that may seem like a pithy confession, it is mine nonetheless.  I used to have quite a love hate relationship with dairy.  I loved to eat it, but my body hated it :( Thankfully, some people pointed me down the lifestyle path I’m on and for that I’m grateful.  Thank you Andrea for sharing The China Study with me; it has literally changed the entire course of my life.  Not to mention that I no longer battle sinus infections and rarely get sick (I’ve learned how nutrition is the key to prevention, among many other things.)  So, my little dollop of whip is quite a treat – one that, as a result of partaking, I will befriend my neti pot tonight just for safe keeping.  The first several times of using the neti pot I thought I was at the beach being pummeled by a wave – you know those times when the salt water fills your nostrils and you don’t know which way is up?  Then I realized – since I was perfectly dry and not disoriented - that I was just standing in front of the sink pouring salty water up my nose.   I’m so thankful for that neti pot – never thought I’d say that about something that I use to purposefully put water up my nose ;)  Oh the things I’ll do for health…if you haven’t heard my stories about eating whole cloves of raw garlic, just ask! 

Thank You Jesus that my body is quite healthy; that is a great gift.  Thank You for the delightfulness of taste.  Thank You for allowing our lives to cross with others in ways that may seem insignificant to us at the outset, but are gamechangers in the end.  Thank You that foods have the nutrients to help our bodies heal; Your design is quite amazing! 

Peace,

Kristie 

Day 8 of 21

The morning light seeps through the small, dusty windows of the little old barn as we pick up the blue bucket that the girls fill with hay.  I breathe deeply.  The pop of the lid of the metal trash can - like opening a canister of coffee, the sound prepares you for the aroma that is about to fill your senses – only this time the coffee tin is filled with cow feed.  The bale of hay, cow feed, and a little old barn…can you picture it?  Can you breathe in the smells?  I didn’t know how much I would enjoy the whole experience of caring for the cow (Mrs. Rude – who we’ve affectionately renamed Mrs. Princess Beverly Rude) but it’s one I look forward to every day.  Thank You for her – she has many lessons to teach me…more on that another time!

After leaving the bovine to her meal, we meandered back to the kitchen and carried our oats out to the patio.  A table with four chairs and an umbrella awaits me, along with a view of hundreds of azalea bushes that are twice my height bursting with various shades of pinks, purples, and whites, and a breeze that is cool but not cold that carries with it a captivating scent.  Until my stay at the Ranch, I could only look forward to – even long for – this smell on our visits to western North Carolina.  To me it is a bit of the new Heavens breaking into here and now – it’s sweet and earthy, fresh and full of hope and life.  If I could bottle it, I would certainly be addicted!  Thankfully, my lust can’t capture this scent, but those deep desires are captured by it.  What’s more is that this scent evokes wonderful childhood memories of being at Laurel Ridge summer camp where God was real to me.  It was in that week each summer from 7-18 that my heart knew there was a God; I just thought that He stayed up on that mountain.  When I was 18, I finally found that His love for me drove Him to stay on only one mount.  And that same love drew me to the mountain each summer and searched for me throughout the years until I found that it was He that was the sweetest scent that I could ever drink in.  In His sweet kindness, it is that fragrant scent on the breeze – once only found on a North Carolina mountain top - that draws me to Him now. 

Thank You for mountains and breezes, for fields and flowers, for little girls with buckets too big and slobbery cows, for searching and finding, for never giving up. 

Peace,

Kristie

Day 7 of 21

We skipped church and recovered from a busy weekend. The sound of rain and leaves from the many oak trees pitter pattering on the roof still rings in my ears.  The worship music that filled the air of our home today has been peaceful and permeating (Kari Jobe is a current fav!).  Thank You for music (and for Pandora)!  Your Spirit’s presence has been palpable throughout the day; I will return to these moments as I drift off to sleep soon.  While the girls napped this afternoon, I finished a project – a thankful tree – that I’ve longed to complete.  The peace and quiet was just the quiet waters I needed to restore my soul.  My mind first swirled with many thoughts, but stillness settled in after a bit.  The timing couldn’t have been better.  I had time to just hang out with myself and my God.  Thank You.  I’m grateful for Your encouragement to enjoy the process...may this sink in throughout the rest of my days!  The silence and creating were wonderful as I let go of the anxiety and pressure to finish.  And I love how the tree turned out – filled with love and hope, it is a wonderful focal point in our kitchen.  I can’t wait to fill the branches with leaves of thanksgiving to You!  In the process of making the tree I discovered this font (Gabriola) – it’s new to me, and I dig it J

To end the night, chopped pecans, almonds, mixed with some sugar and vegan butter to make a scrumptious nut crust – YUM!  I’m grateful for a husband who likes to create in the kitchen!!

Peace & grace to me, you and yours!

Kristie

Day 6 of 21

I just left Boston eating delicious gnocchi in the Italian district on a cold night with my handsome husband.  I have such cold hands, but the restaurant was warm, and the server was encouraging about my upcoming marathon.  Oh wait, that was 6 years ago when we went to that very cold, very fun northeastern city in November.  But I did eat gnocchi tonight – straight from Italy…so says the package!  As I rehearsed the events of the day in my mind, I could taste the gnocchi again – those from tonight, those eaten in Boston, and those relished on the Amalfi coast in southern Italy with my sister back in the spring of 1998.  MMM…gnocchi – soft, a bit gooey, warm, covered in savory sweet marinara, delightful to chew, comforting to the body and mind!  I’m so glad for the Italians – or the person who first created gnocchi.  Thank you for a culinary masterpiece!  Thank You for the many wonderful experiences of culture and travel; I am richer for them!

Speaking of another culinary masterpiece – well, sort of…we attended a business training today for our Juice Plus franchise.  Juice Plus is a culinary masterpiece in its own right – 25 fruits, veggies, berries and grains in a capsule.  It’s so simple, yet so profound!  It was an all-day event, learning about nutrition, the rockin’ benefits Juice Plus has on our bodies, the amazing research, and the stellar group of people who are involved in this business.  I remember the inspiration rising up within me – it’s like something being birthed – but not yet born, just gestating, awaiting it’s dawning for everyone to experience.  Over and over I’ve heard it – how people who own a Juice Plus franchise are living dreams they wouldn’t have thought possible without this business.  Dreams that God put in their hearts – Kingdom dreams.  You know those kind: where justice is happening - wrongs are being made right, the poor and hungry are being treated with dignity and given hope, the enslaved are being sought after and set free…yeah, those kinds of dreams…those are the ones that I consistently hear from the Christians who own a Juice Plus franchise.  Thank You for this opportunity and opening these windows in my own soul to dream Your dreams.  I so look forward to looking back with awe and wonder on what You do in and through our lives and this business. 

Today I give thanks for another old German man ;)  Happy 81^st birthday Opa!  May God draw you near Him and may you find great purpose and fulfillment in Him.  Thank You for bringing him through the war safely and over the wall so many times to help others live free lives.

May we all live our purposes and dare to dream the dreams He’s written on our hearts.

With that I say, Adieu! 

Kristie

P.S. Remember to set your clocks forward…yay! Long summer days are on the horizon!!

Day 5 of 21

Ooo, I can't wait to tell what a day I've had!  But first let me give a little context...

I recently picked up a little booklet called Daily Spirit Blessings by Arthur Burk and Sylvia Gunter from our church.  I actually heisted it off the front desk and had to call Cindy to tell her of my thievery!  When I saw the title, I just couldn't resist!  She assured me that it was okay, and my misdemeanor would be overlooked this time ;)  I'm thankful for her for she gets me in many ways!

This booklet is filled with prayers that we speak to ourselves - to bless ourselves - our true selves - the persons God created us to be (for those of you who don't know...this is what I desire my life to be about....helping others become all of who God made them to be...)

Anywho, the prayer for today became the background of our day so I want to include it here:

"I bless you with feeling the joy your Father has as he thinks of all the blessings he prepared for you - the surprises, divine encounters, unexpected treasures.  I bless you with knowing your Father's joy when he sees you are different today than you were yesterday.  I bless you with experiencing his joy knowing the unique person he designed is cooperating with him in what he designed you to do.  I bless you with knowing so profoundly the pleasure he has in you that the opposition of other people means nothing.  I bless you in the name of the laughing God of Zephaniah 3:17."


I love those words - that picture of the laughing God...oh how I need to experience Him more!  Well, today I did!  So here's what happened:

The girls stayed with my in-laws as Stephan and I met with a dear friend who guides us through the rough places of life - those that you have been through over and over again and just can't quite see clearly enough to get through on your own.  He shepherds us, loves us, and teaches us what it looks like to live a life fully alive.  Thank You for true souls who have walked ahead of us along the hard path of ripping away the false self so that the beauty of the true self - the person beneath all of the masks that we wear - can live with hearts fully alive.  We were surprised with laughter during our time together.  I love laughing and want to do more of it!

Then we took a little time and ate a scrumptious lunch at Infusion Tea in College Park. (http://www.infusionorlando.com/ If you haven't been there, check it out - it's seriously yummerific!)  We shared together how God is like the Horse Whisperer...the image of the horse out in the wide open field while Robert Redford waits for the scared horse to come close...always respecting, patiently waiting.

As we enjoyed a perfectly warm, shady spot on the patio, we overhead a few men talking about business interspersed with words like God, Holy Spirit, Jesus.  Hmmm....it's not often that those names are said in the same conversation as marketing, HTML, clients, etc.  We weren't really eavesdropping, as much as we were being invited to a divine appointment (at least that's how I like to think of it!).  Before we left, we introduced ourselves and met three men that we plan to meet again; one of whom leads an organization who's basic mission it is to help business leaders lead in the footsteps of their Savior.  They were people that we want to know, to talk with, experience more of...one in particular clicked with us.  Gotta love when that happens!  A lunch is being planned to meet again.  Thank You for these men and for allowing our paths to cross today.

From there we traveled to see our beloved chiropractor - Gustav Marquardt - an old German man who has taken good care of me since I was pregnant with Zoe Grace, with whom I've always felt safe, and for whom I have a great deal of respect.  Thank You that You preserved his life through the war, took him so far away from his home, and gifted him as a "healer."  Certainly, he has been Your hands at work for the past 50 years.  Bless him and his wife as they officially retire from practice.  He will be missed!

Thank You Jesus that You are big enough that You could come as a baby and  live this human life.  Thank You for the people that love You and bring Your presence into my life and enrich me as a result.


  For the LORD your God is living among you. 
      He is a mighty savior. 
   He will take delight in you with gladness. 
      With his love, he will calm all your fears. 
      He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

My heart is opening to hope a little more again today as You love on me, calm my fears, and sing over me.  Thank You!!!

Kristie

Day 4 of 21

It's interesting that only a few days into this brain changing experiment and I've noticed that I have several events, not just one, that I want to remember  - relive with my senses - from the day.  Just 5 days ago, I wouldn't have necessarily replayed any events from the day - perhaps a negative one: something that hurt my feelings or an instance in which I didn't respond well to my kids or husband.

So, already I can say that this is changing me - I'm becoming more aware of moments throughout the day that I want to remember later, so I find myself soaking them in with all of my senses.  I'm living more in the moment without even realizing it.  Starting the day "stepping into my skin" as David Wilcox sings and then being more fully engaged in  the day creates something else that I didn't expect: a posture of receiving.
Receiving is part of my theme for the year (see January's post for more on that), so this was a welcome gift and I can see that gentle hands led me to this "experiment."

Let me remember:

My eyes opened this morning only after my ears were delighted by sounds of a little voice singing and chatting happily in her bed next to me.  After taking the 5 lb weights off of my eyelids, I looked over to see this sweet little girl so happy to be awake and excited about the day.  Thank You for her - her sweet, playful spirit fills the room with joy.

After a couple of hours of a small goat rodeo here at the Ranch (no real goats, just two little people having fun!), we headed down the bumpy dirt road to Vo-La Salle Farms - a hydroponic farm just around the corner.  It was another beautiful day outside - the weather was scrumptious - from the cool breeze and the warm sun, to the light raindrops that cooled my skin and the sound of the leaves falling from the oak trees.   Then, much to our delight, the neighboring horse - Sir Frankie - came over to meet us.  A nice fellow in white with a friendly demeanor and a great smell.  Ahhh, the smell of a horse...I realized today how much I like it!  And as the girls and I picked snow peas and put them in their little bags, it dawned on me - I'm a country girl.  Not the suburbs.  Not the city.  The country - land, animals, smells of earth, tastes of food fresh from the vine, no big stores and bright lights (except for stars!).  Another piece of how I am made - the design of me that You crafted and wrote on my heart.  Thank You for making it so clear.

During the afternoon hours while the girls napped, I sat outside to work and took a few minutes to listen.  The wind blowing through the trees.  That sound brings me peace.  The birds singing their unique songs.  I just feel happy when I hear them.  My own soul.  She needed space to speak.  Thank You for showing Yourself through the creation.  I feel more connected to myself and to You as I soak in the wonders of all that You've created.

It's been a full day, a true day - one with hard spots.  Yet as I remember these moments, the hard spots soften.  They become blurry, no longer in focus.  I see differently.  Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to see a bit more as You see.  And maybe that's why You tell us over and over to remember...so that we will see more clearly - see as You see.

May it be so.

Peace,

Kristie

Day 3 of 21

Today I'm so tired that I'm tempted not to do this...but I am fighting the temptation and will be quick instead!

Today was a hard day, so it requires more thoughtfulness to find my true gratitude.  If I just write down three things because that's what I'm supposed to do, my heart (and likely my brain) will be no different.

So, the "chipotle" style salad for lunch was delish!  Lettuce, beans, tomato, peppers, onions...thank You for fresh, healthy food.  I'm thankful that I'm discovering that as I eat more raw foods and less cooked foods during the day, I don't get quite as exhausted.  More on that another time.  

Hmm, what else?  Tonight at the listening prayer group, I felt the same "weight" of Your presence in my hands - the heavy warm waves pulsating through them.  Thank You for that tangible, sensory experience of You.  Thank You that You heal very old wounds and allow us to be a part of it.  The 2 hours of learning and listening is a cherished gift.  

And now, a few minutes of quiet.  Thank You.  I'm exhausted and need rest.  The quiet is restful.  Thank You that You know my needs before I do and are willing and able to meet them.  You are kind.

Until tomorrow.
Peace.

Day 2 of 21

It started out with a little noise and then a cute little voice saying, "toot."  Then a head popped up with some rockin bed head.  Thank You for bed head...it just starts my day off with a smile.

How could you not smile when you see that face?

With very weary eyes I pulled myself from under the soft, warm covers and hit the floor running…there’s no other option with these two little girls!  Soon it was on to “wrestling.”  Today that meant Liana Joy wanted to climb on my legs and pretend to play airplane, but fall off every time.  The delight and laughter that we both shared melted away the static between us.  Thank You.  I love her laughter.  And mine. 

We played the "running away baby" game (something she came up with...I think she works out her fears and  pains of having to share mommy's love with a little sister this way).  I got my exercise as I sprinted after my little gazelle time and time again...wow - she is speedy!  I enjoyed feeling my muscles work and my heart pound as I raced after her.  I love her persistence.  I am thankful for her never-giving up spirit.  I am thankful that I am healthy and can run and move up and down with ease.

Out on the swings and Zoe and I gave Eskimo kisses while she was swinging...we bonked heads a couple of times, but not before we both erupted with giggles over how funny it was for her to go back and forth and touch noses as she came towards me.  I love this playful little one.  Her bright eyes shine grace into my soul and remind me that You are playful, too.

And then there was this

That little face smelling the flowers - ahhh - LOVE it!  I crack up every time I watch her - "weet weet" "mell"   "weet" (if you didn't understand her words!).  And to finish it off with sweet Liana Joy - pretty as a flower.  

Thank You for these girls.  

They are gifts.  May I receive them and the glorious moments I have with them.

Day 1 of 21

Thank you Jesus that azaleas are so beautiful and fragrant.  I love the leopard like spots that paint one inside petal.  So soft and delicate.  Their fragrance floats on the wind and I breathe deeply.  The walk through the garden path invites me to wonder what it would've been like to have walked in the Garden so long ago before all was tainted.  And it invites me to marvel that all will be made new and I will walk in the garden with You one day - face to face -  naked and unashamed.  Thank You.  The warm sun saturates my skin and the cool breeze satisfies my senses.  The dancing butterflies waltz from flower to flower - I feel like a joyful little girl trying to chase them.  Thank You for childlike joy - that is a gift for this soul of mine.  I don't want these moments to end, but I realize that my senses can't take in more delight than You've currently given.  Soak up the moment.  Relive the moment and be filled again.  I can return tomorrow and see what gifts await.

Change my brain through this 21 day journey that I may be more of who You've made me to be.
"Speak to my heart.  Change my life.  Make me whole."  (Thanks Signa!)  

Receiving as a New Year's "Resolution"

I'm not a new year's resolution kind of gal, but over the past month or so I have been thinking/praying/listening and talking to Jesus about this year, I want a “theme” for the year.  

I will offer Him my voice this year. 

My voice, not the one that I think others want to hear, or the one that I like, but the one that He gives me.  That might mean saying hard things I’d rather avoid, speaking when I’m afraid of rejection or disapproval, writing ever truer words, singing through the lump in my throat, praying for my “enemies”…we’ll see what He asks of me. 

What would He offer me?  

I want something from Him - something that upon reflection will be like a color in a painting that permeates the picture. 

This is the year of receiving.  That’s what He impressed upon my heart.

Receive. I want this - the grace to receive.

Receiving requires open hands, a surrendered heart. 

That’s hard for me.  I’m such a fighter.  I’m proud and strong-willed; like a youngster, “I do it.”

But oh to be a woman who has received -

Humble.  Taking into me what someone else offers nurtures a humble heart.  A heart that knows her own neediness without shame.  Shame blocks receiving. 

Content.  As I truly swallow down and feast on His gifts, my heart will rest and find the sapling of contentment pressing through the hard soil of envy . 

Grateful.  I’ve longed for this, but in its truest state, it can’t be mustered and I don’t have it.  If, however, my mouth is open to the food from His hands and I let Him fill me, a grateful heart will be born - even to overflowing.   

Whole.  “I will repay for the years the locusts have eaten,” that’s what He promises.  Oh for my heart to be ever more restored to the heart from which He created me to live.  Free to live fully, free to give, free to love. 

 

May I receive all that He has for me that I may receive more of Him and in doing so, more of myself.    

I pray this for you as well.  That we all may be more of the women and men He created us to be.

Peace,

Kristie