First, let me say thanks to each of you
for taking your time to read and respond. I truly enjoy a good
conversation about something that's so worthy of words - our
children. I've taken a few days to let my initial feelings of nausea
to subside, but I read the post again and there's more vomit at my
feet. Harsh, but my response nonetheless. I'm well aware that the
author's words touched on pain in my own life and bring about a
bigger reaction for me. So, I reply with fear and trembling because
I am fairly aware of my own shortcomings as a woman and mom, and the
ways I've failed my daughters already are numerous. Yet after I read
this post on a friend's page I really wanted to hear what others
thought about it and find my own voice on the matter.
That said, though I believe this author
to be well meaning (we really are all doing the best we can), I think
she is way off base.
Here's why:
- The very title of the article seems to reveal the author's mind/heart. “Godly emotions...” Apparently some are godly and some aren't, and she's the one who lets her daughter know which are and which aren't. It seems that there are certain emotions that are godly = tolerated by mom, approved of, acceptable. There are others that aren't, and those must be controlled (put religiously under the guise of “self-control” so it seems so “Christian”). What if instead, her mom received her little girl in all her emotions and gave her a safe place to feel them? Certainly this is what we see in the Psalms! See Cry of the Soul for a great read on our emotions and what they reveal about the heart of God.
- The way she goes on to say that her daughter was “emotional from day one” and again refers to her as “the most emotional little girl...” reveals a very real, though subtle, layer of contempt. I also think that teaching your little child (she's only 8 at the posting of this article...) “to place her hand on her mouth and quiet down” IS teaching your child to stifle her emotions AND it is another layer of contempt. “Caly was a living illustration of this verse, her little soul an exposed and ransacked city, completely overrun by her barbarian emotions” - and to use the Scripture to compare her little daughter to...yikes – that disgusts me because it appears so “spiritual” but smacks of self-righteous religion! There seems to be a disdain for children and their emotions and a lack of understanding of their needs and development in our society – and I would say all too often, in the Evangelical Church. Being a parent is HARD and our kids constantly hold up mirrors for us to see ourselves if only we're willing. Often...ok, always...our parenting – at least at first – stems from the ways we were raised. The author mentions that her mom was helping her stay focused on her goal of teaching Caly self-control...I imagine that the author received (and still lives by) the same sort of treatment of her own emotions. Our needs that were met and left unmet are right before our eyes when we have a baby – and we ALL have unmet needs cause we live in a broken world. If we have the eyes to see this, God will lead us on an incredible adventure of healing – painful, yes, but oh so worth it!
- The parents decided when Caly was “overreacting”. That's dismissive in it of itself. Who am I to say that someone else is overreacting? Maybe there was a lot more going on for Caly than her parents knew – since she cried so much “from day one”...there WAS a reason...a NEED. In my opinion, her parents were there to provide a space for her to feel what she was feeling, and to figure out why/how to meet her needs. Instead they told her to be quiet, not overreact, respond how they think is acceptable – ie. “ask kindly, play cheerfully, stop crying...”. Telling someone to “play cheerfully” is like saying – Stop feeling how you are, stop being who you are at this moment. You are too much. You are not acceptable this way. Be happy. Be content. Be “self-controlled.” I would NEVER want this woman as my friend. Could you imagine when you're hurting, in pain, disappointed, etc. and your trusted friend says, “Hey get over it. You've cried long enough. Just put a smile on your face.” In essence, that's what she said to her daughter. AND she was effective in changing not only her daughter's behavior, but I would argue that she helped her daughter clearly form a false self – a good little “Christian” girl who now makes her mom and dad look so good. I would bet that she has all these “godly feelings” and “godly behaviors” because those are the very things she knows will garner her parents' love, acceptance, and approval – the very things God intended parents to lavish on their children. She is a little girl and should be finding out if she likes dancing more than horse back riding, living out her God-given passions in a safe environment so that she can become who GOD created her to be...that would be living for His glory.
- So much of this is about the mom NOT about what's best for the child. It seems that she wants her child to be a certain way instead of accepting who she is. The Gospel sets us free to be all that He made us to be through a radical acceptance of who we are...to me, this article is imprisoning of the human spirit. But read this quote from Fully Human, Fully Alive :“Wherever you are in your development, whatever you are doing, with a strong affirmation of all your goodness and good deeds, with a gentle understanding of your weakness, God is forever loving you. You do not have to change, grow, or be good in order to be loved. Rather, you are loved so that you can change, grow and be good.”Now that sounds like a wonderful premise from which to relate to our children and ourselves!
- If her daughter was “emotional from day one” why didn't she find out why? Babies and children cry because it's their only/best form of communication. It was her job to find out what her daughter needed and then meet her needs as best as she could. “All behavior is an attempt to meet a need.” Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. Tantrums included. I'm not saying that kids get to scream, hit, yell, stomp their feet, etc. in the middle of the grocery store while we stand by and do nothing. The method may not be a good one (ie. hitting sibling because she took sister's toy), but if we don't address the underlying need (smaller child feels powerless, needs safe situations in which to to express her power, and tools to appropriately deal with bigger people ), we've missed our job as parents. See the work of Becky Bailey, Hand in Hand parenting, Laura Markham and Scream Free Parenting.
- I agree that we need self-control, but she made it an “obedience issue” with a young child! So if her daughter “overreacts” she's now disobeying her mom and dad...yowzas!!! It seems that this momma doesn't know what's actually age appropriate. Also, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit of God at work in our hearts. I just am not convinced that this little girl has born this fruit at such a young age. Maybe, but doubtful. Fruits grow by trees being nourished – healthy soil, enough sunlight and water, key nutrients, very wise pruning (which doesn't come in the form of putting your hand over your mouth until you can smile instead of cry – in my opinion!). Furthermore, you don't see any trees straining themselves to produce fruit. And her parents strained to produce this fruit - “behind that solid wall – which was arduous to build...” They just grow and produce fruit in due time. Are there tools we can learn along the way – certainly! But only God can change hearts...and that's where self-control must come from – our hearts – the center of our being with God loving us. Perhaps self-control comes from being loved, accepted, listened to, understood, seen for who you are, delighted in, honored, empowered...by God and those humans that He gave to be His eyes, hands, mouth, and feet (certainly the Spirit at work in our lives).
- This author is being held to a higher standard because she's posted this online and presents herself as an authority. So now many other moms will follow suit...and I feel that this is an injustice because it leads to more wounded children...and parents.
- Sadly I could go on about this article – it seems standard for so much of the church these days – and that's so disappointing. We're raising up disciples of emotional and relational disease (which necessarily means spiritual as well...). I would love for this woman to read some of the work out there about the brain and connection, attachment and developmental needs of children. Christians should be at the forefront of the discoveries in neurobiology and how they point to the beautiful design that God made for parents and children. Sadly, it seems that many are too busy raising up good little children – read: children who do the “godly” things because their parents give their love and approval for those behaviors – but who have little to no emotional intelligence. See Daniel Goleman's work on EQ and Dan Siegel's work on parenting and neurobiology (The Whole-Brain Child, Parenting from the Inside Out).
- Finally, let me say that it's taken me a while to get my thoughts written down because I know what it's like to have the sense that I have to have it all together before I can speak...the very way the mom dealt with this daughter is the way I've learned to deal with myself and I'm still fighting to accept my own voice.
