The Good News for this insecure, fearful, broken soul

A conversation with a friend the other night about Calvinism led us to talking about the idea of being “wretched" and sharing that with people as a way of communicating God’s great love for us.  (If I got the gist of the conversation wrong, forgive me and let me know…this is what I was left with). 

I bristle at someone calling me wretched (taken from Paul in Romans…a highly disputed passage…uh, book), or at someone calling me “depraved” as Calvin’s Institutes do (this was the part that everyone said first at seminary, although there’s much more to what Calvin had to say).  Though I believe that I have nothing good in me of my own, that I cannot save myself, that as a believer I still sin and do things that in my deep heart I really don’t want to do, it’s not “good news” to me that God loves me while I am such a miserable, loathsome creature if first I don’t deeply know that God thought of me long ago with great delight and love, He made me in His image, fashioning me and forming me – inside and out.  That He knows my propensity to “wander” – aka sin – doing it my way, living as if I am God and not the beloved creature, yet He loves me and always has - even before Christ He loved me – yes, this is good news.  But I must first know how valuable I am in His sight.  In Christ, I am made holy and righteous, but even without Christ I was still of immense value and worth to God.  Because I am His. 

So here is the rub: when sharing the Gospel with someone like me who has long struggled with an abiding sense of value, worth, self-acceptance and true self-love, please don’t start with how wretched and depraved I am.  That just leads me to more self-condemnation and agrees with the lies that I believe so easily and the shame from which I struggle so deeply to be free.

Before you go thinking that I am dismissing reformed theology, listen.  Jesus found me.  He has changed me in so many ways.  He did for me what I could never do for myself.  He has given me a new heart and a new mind and a love for myself, Him and others that I never knew before He healed me and poured His love into me.  He did this.  This is an essential aspect of Calvinism - to Him alone be the glory!  But I must tell you of my experience with reformed theology and many of its followers.  When I found reformed theology by going to the seminary with that name, I had finally found the “truth!”  During my graduate studies and for several years after, I lived with a sense that I finally had discovered the truest truth, THE way to interpret the Scriptures, THE right way to think about God.  Thankfully, God was gracious to show me the arrogance that had filled my soul.  As He changed my heart and mind (semper reformanda!), I came to see that there is a spirit of pride and arrogance that filled the halls and hearts of many that I studied alongside (as well as my own soul).  As I’ve encountered other “reformed” people, I have brushed up against this same arrogance and pride that I know all too well. 

It’s been through the breaking of my heart and mind that I have come to know how much I don’t know, in fact, how little I know, and the little I do know is more about God than it is of experiencing Him.  I long to know Him more, to taste and see, feel and hear, smell and be absolutely drunk with Him.  In this breaking, He has shown me why reformed theology was so appealing to me – I am deeply insecure, and anything that seems to be the “right” way is SOOOOO appealing to me.  I can find security in being right.  I can show others how much I know (and in turn how little they know and therefore, I can feel better about myself).  He showed me how the story of my life has shaped the lenses through which I see everything – myself, Him, His world and His people.  The wounds that I’ve received, the needs that have gone unmet, the lies that have wrapped themselves around my heart and warped my ability to see as He sees.  These all shape the way that I see Him and how I choose to interact with Him.  They inform my theology and my liking for a particular kind of theology.  The opening of my eyes, the wresting of the tentacles of lies from around my heart, the filling of the empty places, and the healing of the wounds that have long denied me of my God-given worth and value are His great work of redemption in my life.  And it’s only as He does this work that I can cry out with Paul “oh what a wretched man I am...” and know how deeply loved, worthy, and valuable I am at the very same time. 

So please, when sharing the Gospel with the broken (even if they don’t act broken…that’s just the mask that covers insecurity, fear and shame, and the question most of us carry…will you love me if you see the real me?), start with their immense value to God, the God who sees underneath the masks, the false selves, and the pretenses -the God who came to “bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.”  THAT is GOOD NEWS!!!

Yummy Fall Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins

I don't know where this recipe came from.  As it's written, it's not vegan, GF or DF.  I just adapted it to fit our family's lifestyle.  ENJOY!

PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP MUFFINS

3/4 cup sugar (I used 1/4 cup of Turbinado an it was plenty sweet!)
1/4 cup vegetable oil (I used 1/4 cup applesauce.  This cuts back the fat content, adds flavor, and more nutrients.)
2 eggs (I used ground flax seeds instead.  Use 1 tbsp. ground flax seed/3 tbsp. water for each egg.  Due to the moisture of the pumpkin, I didn't need to add the water to the flax seed.)
3/4 cup canned pumpkin (Whole Foods often has organic pumpkin on sale this time of year.)
1/4 cup water
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour (I use Bob's Red Mill GF all purpose flour)
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. baking soda
¼ tsp. ground cloves  (I didn’t have this in my spice cabinet and it still tastes like fall.)
½ tsp. ground cinnamon
¼ tsp. salt
¼ tsp. ground nutmeg
½ cup semisweet chocolate chips (I use the WF brand vegan chocolate chips.)



DIRECTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Grease and flour muffin pan or use paper liners.

2. Mix sugar, oil, eggs. Add pumpkin and water. In a separate bowl mix together the rest of the dry ingredients. Add wet mixture and stir in chocolate chips.

3. Fill muffin cups 2/3 full. Bake for 20-25 minutes. (I baked mine for 20 minutes and they were just right!)

Slient Screams

“Silent Screams”



I screamed so many times but no one ever heard

The pain was there, the anger true, yet didn’t say a word

Muffled time and again by someone else’s need

Always, their desires, their screams that I must heed



I hold my baby as she cries

Letting all her anger fly

Wondering how it would feel to not have it all tied up inside

I want to let it out, to finally be free.

But all too often I’m still swept up in someone else’s need



The words of my scream must finally be heard

If not, lies will win; not giving them the last word

Behind the walls, with loving eyes, I’ll give the rage its face

I’ve found it’s not my own, began long ago, another time and place



I fight for now, to feel myself alive within my skin

Groping blindly, missing moments, still I won’t give in

Sit with sadness, embrace joy, listen to the ache

For now it’s not just for me, my heritage at stake



I hold my baby as she cries

Letting all her anger fly

No more wondering, I cry with her as I’m freed with tears long passed by

I let it out, I’m finally free

Not consumed, yours and mine – humanity’s - great need

True Confession

I read the words of other women suffering deeply yet living joyfully, fully alive and trusting His grace, and I shake my head in defeat.

How do they trust Him so deeply yet suffer so profoundly?

I long, deeply yearn for my whole being to say with complete integrity, “Though He slay me, yet I trust Him.”

But I don’t.

I fear Him. No, not the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom fear.

Fear Him – what He’ll do to me, how He’ll make me suffer. What will I lose? Who will I lose?

I lost my dog recently; I grieve and miss him, and yet I can handle that. I expected his death. But my husband, my girls, one of my faculties (mental ability, hearing, vision), my health. These I don’t know that I can handle to lose.

I’m terrified that He’ll bring my worst fears upon me.

As I write, I see the word over and over again….my, my, my.

Somehow these gifts He’s given me have become mine, my possessions. No longer gifts, but rights.

The right to live a long healthy life with my husband and girls. The right to be healthy and whole throughout that life.

Oh, these aren't rights are they? If ever I had any rights (Does the created one, although made in the very image of God and bestowed with great dignity, have "rights" before the Creator?), they were laid down when I accepted that Jesus bought me with His blood. What right do I have to complain to my Maker?

Yet, I do.

I am so afraid of what might be that I miss what is.

He is here. He is now. He has promised to never leave me alone.

How did I get so afraid?

Loss and trauma are open doors for fear to fly through and suffocate life.

The more I see, the more I can’t understand, the more I need to trust. Yet this old will of mine is strong and doesn’t bend without a fight.

So, I fight. I beat His chest with the raw pounding of a wounded heart, shattered and torn, wanting answers, finding none.

Will His presence be enough? Will His loving arms hold me tight as I spit in His face?

I’ve been here before but not like this. There are new vistas, sharper switchbacks and steeper trails.

I read the words of these other women, and I hope that they are right.

He is trustworthy. He is enough.

If you have ever loved a pet...this one is for my beloved dog, Wiley. Run free Wiley! RUN FREE!!!

It was just over a month ago that I wrote a post for my sister and her fox dog, Sophie.


Today the fog of grief still hasn’t cleared from my eyes. It’s a beautiful “fallish” day and my vision is blurred by the tears that keep falling because my beloved dog Wiley is gone.

He was sick; we didn’t know how sick. He’d have a bad day and then have a few good days; after a couple of days of fluids and antibiotics at the vet, I thought he was getting better.

I just told him on Saturday to hang on for just a few more weeks and he’d be so happy to have 25 acres to run free on – no fence, no leash, and a cow to chase.

The freedom to run with no bounds. That’s what he always wanted.

He didn’t make it.

I gave him his medicine before church. I rubbed his head and under his chin. I didn’t think that might be the last time I’d see him.

We came home from church and hurriedly made lunch and got our things together for an afternoon birthday party at the beach. I didn’t check on him.

On the way to the beach I read aloud from One Thousand Gifts. She said that in this life we will lose everyone we love. When will the next loss be? Who will it be? I had no idea what I would find when we returned home.

It was late when we pulled. Rusty’s barking greeted us. We stumbled into the house, got the littlest one to bed and started to grab a bite to eat for the rest of us.

I went outside to feed the dogs. I called and Rusty came. I called for Wiley. I called for Wiley again. I thought of a few nights before when I found him under the slide, lying there, not moving, but still with the breath of life in his lungs and the sparkle of Wiley in his eyes.

I opened the porch door and there he was in one of his favorite places in the sand. As soon as I saw him I knew. I called for Stephan to come, groaning that Wiley was dead.

The next couple of hours – and this day – have been a blur.

We put his stiff body on a blanket and carried him onto the porch. I bent over him, weeping for my very loveable, very ornery pet. I stroked him, studied him again, remembering his form, memorizing his shape.

Ants started to crawl on him; death bugs began their ascent. I fought them off.

Finally it was time. We covered him with the blanket and put him in two black trash bags. My beloved dog in a trash bag. As if he was trash.

Death is a perversion. Death is a thief. Death respects nothing and no one.

He would’ve been 11 in just 13 days.

My heart aches because there is an empty space that was his. When he came into my life, a place in my heart opened up and Wiley filled his space. Now it will remain empty. At once a reminder of the open mouth cave of death and of the fullness for which we’re made.

I kept looking at him, waiting for him to breathe and get up again, for the light to shine through his eyes. But the breath of life was gone from his lungs and the sparkle that was Wiley shut out.

I want to turn back the clock just one day so I can say goodbye, so I can look into his eyes and tell him that I love him. Oh, my soft, black, dog with big brown eyes, and the softest ears, you have grown up with me. I wanted more years together. I always wanted to get you back to North Carolina – that cool mountain air that we both love. It’s not to be.

Rusty went out to look for you this morning. You were still in that dreadful death bag. Well, your body was there.

Although it is mystery, my belief in the gracious heart of God who made Wiley and gave him to us for these last 11 years, is that we will meet again. When I get Home, he will be there with the Saints, his toosh turned to the side and his nub wagging, welcoming me, ready to show me around.

Until I touch your soft fur again and can breathe on you, hear your chewbaka voice, play the harmonica so you can sing, enjoy your love of a grass swim, and run free with you, Go Wiley Go! Go Further up and Further in!

I miss you beloved companion of four feet and black fur.

Wiley (AKA – Wileybubs, Bubba, Nubbers, Wileybubs with the nubs)

9/17/00 – 9/4/11

For the love of a dog, and the love of a sister

With tears streaming down my cheeks I eek this out for my sister and her fox dog, Sophie.

Sophie died last night. My sister fed her ice chips, gave her pain meds, and stroked her fuzzy, silvery-black fur, until she finally passed out in the wee hours of the morning. What a good momma. When she awoke, Sophie was gone. Her little body, lifeless.

Death is so unnatural.  I know it happens every second of every day.


But it’s not what we’re made for. We were created to live forever.

However, long ago humanity made a foolish choice and experienced a rift so deep that it rent our hearts.


Until He came.


Jesus. The mocker of death. The mender of hearts.


For those of us who follow Jesus, we feel the tension of death and resurrection.


We still experience death. A time when the person (one with personality – dogs, horses, dolphins, people) we love is no longer present with us in our reality on earth. Yet she exists in another time and space, happy, healthy, and whole. So, we have hope that one day we’ll meet again – face to face, face to muzzle, (or muzzle to foot for Sophie!).


While we wait for that day, we grieve. We weep. He weeps with us. We tell stories of our beloved. He listens, smiling as we remember. We cling to the truth that our hearts cry out – we were made for so much more.


For me, the picture that C.S. Lewis paints in The Last Battle of what is and what will be resonates deep in my soul. (Here are some snippets particularly for those of us who love dogs, but I encourage everyone to please read the whole septology if you haven’t…it will do your soul good!)


“The Dogs were still with them. They joined in the conversation but not much because they were too busy racing on ahead and racing back and rushing off to sniff at smells in the grass til they made themselves sneeze. Suddenly they picked up a scent which seemed to excite them very much.”


“But the Dogs barked, “Faster, faster!”


“What looked funniest was the Dogs. During the gallop they had not been at all out of breath, but now, as they swarmed and wriggled upwards there was plenty of spluttering and sneezing among them: that was because they would keep on barking, and every time they barked they got their mouths and noses full of water.”


“I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now….Come further up, come further in!”


“There was a real railway accident,” said Aslan softly. “Your father and mother and all of you are – as you used to call it in the Shadowlands – dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream is ended: this is the morning.”

 When the morning comes at last and the shadowlands are set, we’ll meet again little fox dog. Until then, go “Further up and further in!”



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All is grace indeed

We couldn’t be more different she and I.


She has six kids, homeschooling them and oh, she’s writing books - a best seller even.


I have two little ones, find a few words every few weeks, and can’t keep the dishes washed or the laundry clean most of the time.

She lives on a farm in a place where cold is a part of life most of the year.


I live on the edges of suburbia in a place where the heat comes in hot, hotter, and ridiculously hot (today is one of those days!).

These differences may not seem so significant; in fact, they’re really not.


They’re not the ones that I had in my mind when I decided that she couldn’t really be like me.



Could I trust her enough to walk with her as she walks with Him? I wasn’t sure.





She lives, eats, drinks, and breathes the truth that God is good and can be nothing else.


I swallow it down, knowing He is my only hope, trusting that it will take deep root in me, but in the darkest places of pain yet unhealed, I find it coming back up screaming that it can’t be true.





She’s sat with women who have been exploited, abandoned, widowed, wounded.


I sit with one of those women every day - myself.


Has what she says been tested in her life? Or does she live a life free of the darker colors?


Then I read her post the other day. Oh. I had no idea. Wow. Yes, she knows suffering. Yes, she is one of those women too. Yes, she is who she says.


Yes, I can trust her.


Thank you Ann for offering yourself as you walk with Him. All is grace indeed.





If you’d like to journey with her as well, check out http://www.annvoskamp.com/

Debt Free or Bust!

No credit card debt. No more school loans. No car payments. No mortgage.


Debt free.

Does that sound good to you? I can’t wait for that day.

Or did you read that first line and say, “Yeah right…that’s not possible in the world in which we live. That’s just a good idea, but not something that can actually be a reality?”

Until recently, I not only thought it was merely a good idea, but not something that I imagined could really be my reality.

My DH and I have been going through Financial Peace University. Prior to listening to Dave Ramsey, I was quite skeptical…someone might tell me to just eat beans and rice…we already do that (by choice – yum!). But Dave Ramsey is not only a great speaker and easy to listen to, what he has to say is radical (in a wonderful way) and biblical. His teachings have helped light a fire under my rear end and I am determined to do what I can to help us get out of debt.

We still owe on grad school and some business expenses – no, it’s not the newest TV or car or computer (yes, I would love to buy an Apple and Stephan would like to get a flat screen TV before they’re completely out of date), just boring school loans and some living expenses.
So, my DH and I sat down and evaluated our resources – what are all of the gifts God has given us that we aren’t currently using?

It just so happens that I’m great at generating ideas – creative ones, out of the box ideas – like house sitting. We rent right now, and aside from my eldest daughter’s cool bed and our piano, I’d be okay with selling everything else we own (okay NOT the Vitamix! But appliances don’t count…I’m thinking big items: couches, desks, dressers, etc).

DH got online and started looking for opportunities. We’re looking and praying for a house that we can sit long term - a year or so. There’s only one in this area (Kissimmee) right now and they don’t want kids or pets – bummer! This would allow us to live rent free and put that money towards paying off our debts. Dave Ramsey said that if your friends think you’ve lost it, you’re heading in the right direction :) Sell most everything we own and live in someone else’s house. Sounds good to me. We’re at a place in life that we could actually do that. We’ve tried to come up with other ways to live rent free, but outside of living in my folks’ camper (which is still an idea, but we’re not there yet) , house sitting is our best bet.

Would you pray with us that God would open a door to house sit long term for someone in the Central Florida area. It would have to be just the right place since we have kids and dogs. But our God is big enough; nothing is impossible for Him.

In the meantime, we’ll try to employ the other skills and abilities we have to offer and chip away at our “debt snowball.”

So, I’m looking for babysitting jobs. I’m selling things on Ebay. Apparently this can be a full-time job when you buy the right things at garage sales and then resell them on Ebay. I’m giving it a little go. So far so good. Finding the right things to sell is the trick. I’m going to finally sign up as a distributor for Juice Plus (I’ll write another blog on that…I could write loads on nutrition and the need for preventative healthcare through proper nutrition and healthy living).

In addition to the jobs that Stephan already works, he’s been developing his talent for taking awesome photos, particularly candid shots. Check out http://truenorthjourney.shutterfly.com/ to see his work.

In all this, we need the guidance of our Loving Father.

Sometimes it’s hard to know in which direction to walk. These are good options before us – none are evil – so it’s not an obvious decision.  We don't want to labor in vain.
So it all comes back to trust. Ah, yes, that word. TRUST. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Thank You Lord Jesus that you taught me that verse so long ago in an old camp song. It was planted deep in my heart before I even knew You. And thank You that as we’re working to be financially debt free, we can rejoice that we are debt free from the biggest debt we owed.

Debt free.

Because of Jesus, we are.

That often sounds too good to be true.

But that isn’t just a good idea, it is reality.

My reality. Your reality. Our forever reality.

Does that sound good to you? Oh, I long for that day.

No more sorrows. No more tears. No more creditors. No more debtors.

Amen. Come Lord Jesus!

Broccoli and Pasta with Almonds

This is a no brainer recipe that my DH and eldest daughter love. They could both eat pasta everyday if they didn’t live with this naysayer!

We use GF pasta, although I’m not a huge fan. I prefer a whole grain noodle. We’ve found that Mrs. Leper’s pasta has the best texture and reheatability factor. We buy it on Amazon through the Subscribe and save program. It’s the best deal we’ve found on that brand of GF noodles. http://www.amazon.com/Mrs-Leepers-Organic-Vegetable-Twists/dp/B000LKTZ96/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1305314181&sr=8-3-fkmr0

I would encourage you to stay away from white flour pasta since it has been stripped of all of its nutrients and the body sees it as little more than table sugar. If you’re not eating GF, go for the whole grain pasta. Beware: marketing people are sneaky (that’s the nicest thing I have to say about some of the deceitful work done by marketing companies). It might say “has whole grains,” (like Lucky Charms with whole grains…that’s hilarious!) but if you look closer at the label, it will be enriched and not the actual whole grain that makes for a nutritious product. To be sure, look for the Whole Grains Council label. http://www.wholegrainscouncil.org/


Use a big stock pot and boil enough water for the pasta. Once water is boiling add the pasta. 3 minutes before it’s done, add the broccoli. Cook until the broccoli is bright green.

While the pasta’s cooking, chop up some almonds.

Drain pasta and broccoli.

Pour a little bit of olive oil over the pasta and broccoli. Add a little salt and garlic powder. Sprinkle with the chopped almonds and enjoy! Research shows that just ¼ almonds a day is enough to help fight off heart disease – wow!

Instead of broccoli, try brocolette. It’s just like it sounds…a petite version of broccoli with tall, thin stalks and a little less up top. If broccoli is Marilyn Monroe, brocolette is Kate Moss!

We also use zucchini, yellow squash and red peppers as a different combo of veggies. They have a great flavor together and the colors are beautiful to the sight before being enjoyed by your stomach. Back before I broke up with dairy, this was super tasty with freshly grated parmesan cheese.

Brown Lentil Soup

Brown Lentil Soup



Brown lentils – again 1-2 cups. I make more and freeze some. It’s really nice to pull a yummy meal out of the freezer after a tiring day in Mommyville!

Sort through the lentils looking for pebbles. Rinse if you desire.

Sautee some onions and garlic in a little water until translucent.

Add lentils and cover with water.  Simmer for 30-40 minutes.  These lentils will not get as mushy as the red lentils do in the taco/burrito recipe. 

Cut up some baby carrots into small pieces and add to soup. If you like kale, chop up a few leaves and add them as well.

Add the following spices to taste:

Rapunzel veggie broth cubes…add 1 or 2…they rock! (I buy them at Whole, but for a picture check out this link - http://www.amazon.com/Rapunzel-Vegetable-Bouillon-3-1-Ounce-Packages/dp/B001E5DZJ8)

Salt

Oregano

Garlic powder

Onion powder

Pepper

Stir the spices into the lentils and make sure the lentils are covered with water. This is a soup recipe, so there should always be more water than lentils, however, you can make it as thick or brothy as you like.

We like to eat this with a yummy salad and some fresh baked bread. Stephan bakes the bread…he likes to bake…he’s much more exact than I am and his bread turns out great!

Recipes for the strong of heart…or those who wanna be :)

Here's my disclaimer when it comes to my recipes and cooking:
I don't measure very often...only in baking or when I need to be exact for some other strange reason ;)  Mostly, I cook like I live...with an open plan! 

All of the following recipes can be made gluten free (GF), dairy free (DF), soy free (SF)…(that is how we eat them around here...we're a really free family ;)   Feel free to adapt them to your nutritional and lifestyle needs. After all, that’s what these recipes are…adaptations to fit what we like and choose to eat.  I’ll write more later about specific diseases and the prevention of many of them through diet, but for now, suffice it to say, that these recipes are good for your heart…and the rest of your image bearing body!

So as to not make this blog horribly long, I’ve listed the names of the recipes here and you can click on them for the full recipe.



Red Lentil tacos/burritos

French/Brown Lentil soup

Curry Coconut stir fry (with or without organic, free roaming chicken)

Broccoli, pasta and almonds

Stir fry and long or short grain brown rice

Tex-Mex lasagna with “cashew cheese”

Refried bean soup

Butternut/acorn/delicata squash soup with cashew cream

Grilled veggies

Beet smoothie

Kale chips

Stephan’s fresh salsa

Black or pinto beans and rice

Black bean and sweet potato burritos

Homemade GF ravioli

Fajitas

Enchiladas

Lentil Tacos or Burritos

I made the confession on the main recipe blog that I don’t measure very often unless I’m baking or for some other reason I need to be exact. I cook like I live…with an open plan ;)




Red Lentils (probably 1-2 cups…I like to have leftover so that I’m in the kitchen less!)

If you like onions – sauté some onions in the pan before adding the lentils

Cook lentils in enough water to cover them (make sure to first do a cursory look through the lentils for little pebbles). You can rinse them…some people say rinse, some don’t. I find that it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference.

Stir the lentils to cover all of them with water. You will likely need to add more water as they are cooking. Cover and stir occasionally.

Add any or all of the following spices in the amounts that suit your taste buds:



Cumin

Chili powder (ours isn’t spicy, it just adds a great flavor)

Garlic powder

Onion powder

Salt

They’ll cook for 20-40 minutes depending on the amount you’re making.

While they’re cooking, chop lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, onions, or the other toppings you’d like.

Remove the lid cook the lentils until the remaining water is gone. You want them to become firm and not runny.

Heat the taco shells or burrito shells and assemble. Yum! Since we don’t do dairy, we eat these with daiya cheese (http://www.daiyafoods.com/). We think it’s the best cheese alternative out there, since honestly, there is no real alternative to cheese. Oh, I do love cheese, I just wish it was better for my bod!



If I’ve forgotten something…or so it seems, let me know. Like I said, I cook like I live...and my food usually tastes pretty good :)

Unexpected Tears

Lately I’ve noticed how a few stories - mostly kid’s books that I read to my oldest daughter over and over - bring me to tears.  Each time, tears well up from within me. 


I must admit that it’s hard to hear your soul speak while reading to a three year old who notices if I even sniffle, much less, all out weep. But these stories bring up that feeling of weeping. Do you know that feeling? Maybe you’ve watched a movie, listened to a song, looked at a painting, and almost by surprise, you could just - weep.

WEEP.

The kind of crying in which your whole body shakes and it seems that something from deep inside of you is trying to get out – like tears that are old, long buried, but dying to be expressed.

That kind that doesn’t make sense to you intellectually, but you know is expressing a profound truth about your life.

That kind that exhausts you once it’s over, but leaves you also feeling somehow lighter, freer.

That’s the kind of weeping that these stories have unearthed.

These words of Frederick Buechner keep coming to mind:

“Whenever you find tears in your eyes, especially unexpected tears, it is well to pay the closest attention. They are not only telling you something about the secret of who you are, but more often than not God is speaking to you through them of the mystery of where you have come from and is summoning you to where, if your soul is to be saved, you should go next.” Whistling in the Dark

I paid closer attention.

It just so happens that as I did, the threads that weave these stories together have become much clearer - Buechner couldn’t be wiser.  God's timing couldn't be more...perplexing! 

Not only has God been telling me more about who I am through these stories, He’s been telling me my His-story. The story that I’ve lived and the places of pain that I’ve kept closed off from His healing hands. And He’s been inviting me to let Him “re-write” my story and show me how He can heal wounds that go back to the beginning of me.

I can be a slow learner, but I’m listening more closely to those unexpected tears these days – even amidst my two little ones.

How about you? Have you noticed tears in your eyes at unexpected moments or stories that have stirred your soul lately?

I pray that we have the ears to hear and the courage to listen and follow Him.

Peace be with you,

Kristie

Under the Rim

I was doing a load of laundry the other day when the mood struck to clean the washing machine.

Yes, clean the washing machine.

I never thought of that until a friend mentioned that she cleaned hers. Oh, you’re supposed to CLEAN the WASHING MACHINE? It doesn’t get clean every time you use it? I suppose not. Especially mine. It sees diapers and dog towels in addition to the normal everyday funk that gets on clothes.

Well, it hadn’t been cleaned in its life time – 7 whole years. That’s 7 years of gunk and goo that had built up. First, I noticed the dust and dirt on the lid – the washing machine lives in my garage, so the outer layer is thick and grows back quickly. (I do hope for an indoor laundry room someday. Ahhh…)

No biggie. Just a wipe down will do.

But what began as a basic wipe down quickly escalated into a full blown deep clean. I realized that I couldn’t get into the grooves with just my rag.  I needed something smaller.  An old toothbrush would do just the trick!  Then the fun really began - I started getting some really good funk out of the nooks and crannies. Oh, it felt SOOOO good to get it out. But I couldn’t reach a couple of spaces – my toothbrush just wasn’t small enough.

AHA!  The little wire brush that my MIL gave me (that I used to think would never get used- little did I know!). That did the trick! I got right in the little space between the lid and the opening – you know, that space where the lid hinges to the top of the washer.  That space is just right for collecting dirt and grime.  It didn’t stand a chance against my little wire brush and my neurotic cleaning frenzy. You see, once I start cleaning something – anything really – I notice all of the funk. At first it’s just the top layer of dust and dirt. But the closer I get, the more I see. Then I notice another layer of goo and gunk, and all sorts of good stuff that’s been growing and building up for way too long.  I end up on  my hands and knees, wading through who knows what.  But it's wonderfully, soul-satisfyingly clean in the end! 


I thought I had seen it all.


That’s when I looked under the rim.


Inside the washing machine, the space between the part that you put clothes into and the upper rim of it…well, that was a haven for some serious dog hair, orange colored grime, blobs of fuzzies and other nasty stuff. Now getting that out felt REALLY good.  I was ecstatic!
 It was at this point – when I was bent over sideways with my head in the washing machine holding my weapon (aka toothbrush) - that the Lord reminded me that it was Ash Wednesday, the first day of the season of Lent. All of a sudden it dawned on me that the recent revelation of old, unhealthy, sinful, yucky, gooey, patterns of relating that He had shown me, was a lot like my experience with the washing machine.


The closer I looked, the more gunk I saw.

Isn't that true of our lives?  The closer we look, the more we see how deeply we need His grace.  Although He’s ruthless about removing the gunk from our lives, He’s very tender and kind.  (Not as abrasive as I am when it comes to the nasty build up in my shower!)  He reminded me that I’m His beloved who is a glorious, broken jar of clay.  He began the good work in me and will be faithful to complete it.  He’s the one who led me to look under the rim of my soul to find some more goo that He wants to remove…so that I may be the woman He’s created me to be.


I would like to say it felt as good to look under the rim of my heart as it did the washing machine, but I'm not so sure about that one.  The gunk isn’t quite as easy to remove (even with a little wire brush in the hands of a Master Cleaner and a 30 minute deep clean!)


Even if it doesn’t “feel as good,” I trust that goodness is at work and goodness will abound.


May we all have the courage to look under the rim of our hearts this Lenten season.


Peace be with you,


Kristie

Is God Violent?

Is God violent? That was the subject of an article by Brian McLaren in a recent Sojourners magazine. He loosely defines violence as the intention to harm or kill. The article briefly speaks of the violence of the OT like that of the Flood in which Noah and his family were the only people saved from death by drowning. I wanted more from McLaren on these OT passages. He didn’t go down that road. When such great conundrums abound he said to look at Jesus – the God-Man - the very image of God; this seems wise. In looking at Jesus then, he concludes that God is not violent.


Atheists and many others (including myself as a follower of Jesus) struggle with the “God of the Old Testament” in comparison to Jesus. Certainly Jesus was strong and put people in their place. However, he never resorted to violence – as defined by the intention to harm or kill – neither in speech or action. He didn’t threaten or use fear as motivators. He told the Truth – and that either divided and repelled, or brought about repentance and new life.

I can deal with Jesus, but I have a really hard time with the God who wiped out entire races, killed babies, and slaughtered all sorts of animals.

So even while looking at Jesus, what are we to do with all of those OT passages that are filled with violence directed, even commanded, by God? The flood was God’s idea – His judgment against the wickedness of people. There are other times that God tells someone to wipe out an entire race of people – including the babies and the animals. Yes, these are happening at the hands of people, but God instructed the people to do it. As my dear husband pointed out, the sacrificial system in it of itself is quite bloody and violent; this, too, is a system instituted by God. Not to mention the Passover where the LORD kills every first born in Egypt so that there was not a home without wailing throughout the land (see Ex. 12). The OT is rife with examples of violence like these.

Then there is the Cross.

The Cross.

It doesn’t get much more gruesome than that.

God’s violence against His Son. The wrath of God poured out on Jesus. Jesus, the God-man. God took the violence upon Himself. Something we hear about all the time, but perhaps don’t often stop to ponder.

God enacted violence upon Himself.

I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know what to do with a God who is so radical, so wild, so truculent.

I want to intellectualize, to theorize, to tell myself that He did it to eradicate sin. Yes, that is the truth. In the OT, He wiped out people and creatures to make a sacred, holy place for His people. I don’t pretend to really comprehend this. Yet there is more Truth to the story. The Truth of a God so in love with His creation that He’s not willing for ANYTHING to stop Him from restoring the perfect union that He intended.

I don’t conclude as McLaren does, that God is not violent. I simply confess that I just don’t get it – neither the depth of evil and sin nor the depth of His great love for us.

A disappearing nation

Kiribati.  Ever heard of it?  Until an NPR program the other day,(http://www.npr.org/2011/02/17/133681251/preparing-for-sea-level-rise-islanders-leave-home?ft=1&f=1001)  I hadn't either. 

Turns out that Kiribati is a small island in the Pacific - south of Hawaii and Northeast of Australia.  It's so small that the island and accompanying atolls are approximately the size of New York City.  That's right, NYC! 

Although it is small, it is a nation with a people, a president, a culture, traditions - a way of life that is particular to the people of Kiribati. 

As it stands, the nation of Kiribati will no longer exist by the end of this century.  Scientists predict that tides will rise enough that this nation - people with their own language and customs - will be uninhabitable.  It might be covered in water or at least have sea water covering most of the existing living space as it currently stands.  The highest point of elevation is 10 ft or so.  That's not a whole lot of fudge room with sea levels expected to rise 1 meter (approx. 3 feet) by the end of this century.  Unfortunately, that's a modest prediction with still catastrophic results.  Check out this excerpt:

"With only a one metre sea level rise some island nations, such as the Maldives, would be submerged. Already, two of the islands that make up Kiribati (a Pacific island nation) have gone under the waves, and in early 2005 others were inundated by a high spring tide that washed away farmland, contaminated wells with saltwater, and flooded homes and a hospital.


If current warming trends continue, cities like London, Bangkok and New York will end up below sea level – displacing millions and causing massive economic damage. Alexandria, Egypt, is one of the many cities that could be inundated by a one meter sea level rise. At some point, building higher and higher sea walls becomes impractical, and even the wealthiest nations will see cities flood.


Rising oceans will contaminate both surface and underground fresh water supplies. - worsening the world's existing fresh water shortage. Underground water sources in Thailand, Israel, China, Vietnam and some island states are already experiencing salt water contamination.


Rural populations and farmland (especially rice) on some coasts will be wiped out. For example, according to the UK Royal Society a one metre sea level rise could flood 17 percent of Bangladesh, one of the world's poorest countries, displacing tens of millions of people and reducing its rice-farming land by 50 percent."

 http://sb350.pbworks.com/w/page/5565710/Sea-Level-Rise
 
 
So why does this little nation matter to me and why should it matter to you? 

"Every tribe, every nation, every tongue..."  Does that ring a bell to you?  The Creator said that every tribe will one day confess Him.  Yes, it seems that some Kiribati people are followers of Jesus, but what of the future of the people?  Will there be future generations of Kiribati that live as their forefathers or will they be the generation that says, "Our nation was wiped off the face of the earth because the sea levels rose as a result of ice caps melting due to global warming resulting from an excessive use of fossil fuels and other greedy ways of living."  Oh and by the way, not the ways that they live.  If you listen to the NPR piece, you'll hear that one of the girls had never seen a stop sign/light before travelling to Australia.  Their way of life is much simpler and easier on the earth.  ( BTW - this is not to imply that I think the solution to climate change and the degradation of the earth is a return to life as it was several centuries ago.)

I just want us to consider what it would be like to be in their shoes: being forced by nature to enter a radically different way of living, leaving behind my country, my home, my culture, everything I hold dear and take for granted as a way of life each day...this is what the young people of Kiribati must face.

I don't envy them. 

A bio & need some encouragement

This post is mostly a little bio I just used for another site.  I thought I'd post it here as I'm trying to make it back to my blog instead of just blogging in my mind!  Now that the littlest one is 5 months old, I feel like I am getting into a new swing of things.  I want - need - this to include creative outlets: one of which is blogging.  So, if you read this little blog of mine, please drop me a note or comment sometime.  Feel free to disagree with me, ask me questions, point me to new resources.  This would be encouraging to me.  It seems that most of  the time I am talking to myself and well, my loving Heavenly Father.

If you haven't already gathered what makes me tick from other blog posts I've written, here's a little something about me!

Kristie loves Jesus and His creation. She has been on a journey of seeking to live in harmony with God, herself, her family and friends, and the rest of His creation for several years now. It has been a journey with many switchbacks – vistas that at first glance make it seem that she’s walking in a circle, but upon closer inspection reveal new insights, healing, and growth. This journey has meant pursuing a deeper knowledge of God and herself, of being painfully honest about who she is (and is not), and allowing Him to transform her into the woman He created her to be. She loves being a voice for the voiceless in whatever ways God gives her – whether that’s through hosting benefit concerts at her church for the work of International Justice Mission, or teaching others about the call to care for creation. Often the harmony she seeks seems far from her grasp because while she’s changing a little one’s poopy diaper another “mess” happens, or she’s busy trying to keep up with her “border collie” 3 year old daughter who’s always outsmarting her! She has a deep passion for justice and longs to raise her daughters to be “ezers” (see http://www.whitbyforum.com/ for more about this rich word) in a world where women are still horribly oppressed. She’s privileged to raise them alongside a strong and tender man that won her heart by seeing into hers and loving her through and through.


Here are some topics/ideas that I would love to write on:

• Encouraging women to be ALL of who they were made to be – not just one role – wife, mom, career woman, etc.

• Helping others live in greater levels of harmony with God, themselves, their families and friends and the creation.

• Whole foods/solid nutrition – how we can honor God with our choices of food. How to eat locally, organically, thoughtfully and how our food choices have long-reaching effects.

• “Creation care” and what God’s word has to say about our interconnectedness with creation, and how our actions affect the poor locally and around the world.

• Natural childbirth, homebirth, educating and empowering women to partake in the process of pregnancy and childbirth

My husband loves my honesty – I try to live so that who I am on the inside is who you encounter when you meet me. That’s not always pretty. So, by default, I encourage others to be who they really are before a loving God and a safe community. This could branch out into blogs about women’s relationships and our insecurities and sin that get in the way of building deeper connections. (I’m trained as a therapist (www.rts.edu), and although I don’t practice anymore I still lean towards helping others understand the “darker” sides of themselves in the healing light of Christ.)

My sweet baby finally passed out after a little bit more mama's milk - yay!  So,I'm off to sleep too!
 
Until next time...
 
Peace be with you,
Kristie