True Confession

I read the words of other women suffering deeply yet living joyfully, fully alive and trusting His grace, and I shake my head in defeat.

How do they trust Him so deeply yet suffer so profoundly?

I long, deeply yearn for my whole being to say with complete integrity, “Though He slay me, yet I trust Him.”

But I don’t.

I fear Him. No, not the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom fear.

Fear Him – what He’ll do to me, how He’ll make me suffer. What will I lose? Who will I lose?

I lost my dog recently; I grieve and miss him, and yet I can handle that. I expected his death. But my husband, my girls, one of my faculties (mental ability, hearing, vision), my health. These I don’t know that I can handle to lose.

I’m terrified that He’ll bring my worst fears upon me.

As I write, I see the word over and over again….my, my, my.

Somehow these gifts He’s given me have become mine, my possessions. No longer gifts, but rights.

The right to live a long healthy life with my husband and girls. The right to be healthy and whole throughout that life.

Oh, these aren't rights are they? If ever I had any rights (Does the created one, although made in the very image of God and bestowed with great dignity, have "rights" before the Creator?), they were laid down when I accepted that Jesus bought me with His blood. What right do I have to complain to my Maker?

Yet, I do.

I am so afraid of what might be that I miss what is.

He is here. He is now. He has promised to never leave me alone.

How did I get so afraid?

Loss and trauma are open doors for fear to fly through and suffocate life.

The more I see, the more I can’t understand, the more I need to trust. Yet this old will of mine is strong and doesn’t bend without a fight.

So, I fight. I beat His chest with the raw pounding of a wounded heart, shattered and torn, wanting answers, finding none.

Will His presence be enough? Will His loving arms hold me tight as I spit in His face?

I’ve been here before but not like this. There are new vistas, sharper switchbacks and steeper trails.

I read the words of these other women, and I hope that they are right.

He is trustworthy. He is enough.