Women

Tonight I went to two "female" events - the first a networking group of which I'm a part; the second was a party hosted for two other friends in direct sales (I also had a table there with my Juice Plus+ stuff).  I have ambivalence about "female" events - women can be so damn mean.  The first event was a hit - we had a good turnout, I met new people and had an overall enjoyable time.  It was over half way into the second event when I encountered a few women who typify what I don't like about females. 
Warm to some; cold to others.  Standoffish.  Rude with a smile.  Sarcastic.  Contemptuous in subtle ways.  In the presence of women like this I lose my footing - am I accepted?  Am I wanted?  I fall into people pleasing mode because I want them to do the impossible - approve of me.  The thing is - when I stop and look at who they are and how they treat others, I don't like them and definitely don't want them to be in my life in any way. 
The exchange was short, but very quickly it was clear that I wasn't part of the "in crowd" and soon enough I was overtly put "in my place."  Shame.  Yep, she used it.  It's amazing how subtle yet how extremely powerful it is.  She made a comment - more with body language than words - that expressed contempt towards me; it seemed as though I was the butt of a joke (though I didn't ever hear one...).  Well, I definitely don't like that feeling.  I know that one all too well. 
Instead of engaging her in the contempt, I turned around and walked away.  Only I no longer made eye contact with them and my demeanor changed.  Bummer!  I gave her power over me even though the whole time my heart was saying that I didn't want a woman like that to be my customer anyway - she was mean-spirited.  I look forward to the day when I have words - strong, piercing, loving, exposing (like ripping the bandage off a wound)  words - in the moment.  I long for the day when I don't react but thoughtfully respond.  Little by little.  Step by step I'm getting there. 
It wasn't until I looked back at the words I used to describe these women that I realized how close to home hit.  These women withhold approval and acceptance, dangle it, offer it freely to chosen others, but make some of us pay for simply existing.  Damn, do I know this bind. 
I don't want to be a woman like that - shaming, withholding, insecure, contemptuous, unpredicatble, snide.  Even as I write, I'm aware of how easy it would be to "take her apart" with my insight and effectively shame her...all so I don't have to feel the hurt of what happened.  But I'm tired of living that way - self-protecting, covering my vulnerable, feminine heart, my strong, fiercly loving heart. 
I want to love with abandon resting in Your love and acceptance of me.  Heal the wounds that still sting, and make new connections in my brain so that my attachment is wholly to You. 

It's really me

I have to start writing.  I’ve let it go for months.  I’ve been busy growing my Juice Plus+ business and have let go of this much needed outlet.  What’s funny is that when I’m not actually writing, I “write” in my head.  I write out these blogs – speak them out to myself and God – when I’m on my walks.  And for months now I’ve been hemming and hawing about whether or not I should really write from my voice.  A lot of people probably think, huh?  “Your voice?   You don’t have a problem expressing your opinions…”  I would say, don’t be so sure.  I’m a good faker.  And I’m tired of faking it to ensure others’ approval and acceptance.  My voice, the one God gave me, is the only one I want to offer.  That takes practice.  So, I’m starting to practice.  Right here.  Right now.  Thanks to Brene Brown’s book, I Thought it Was Just Me, for en-couraging me to start….here’s how….In the introduction she says this, “In one of its earliest forms, the word courage  meant, “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.”  I honestly think this is something that I would like to be on my gravestone – “Kristie, she spoke her mind by sharing all her heart.”  This Captures me with a capital C.  I LONG to do this - speak my mind and share my heart - and in so doing, connect with others.  But I’m afraid to speak my mind and I’m afraid to tell my heart for fear of rejection.  And if rejection doesn't silence me, then this one will: What if you misunderstand me?  Ugh, I HATE being misunderstood.  It’s one of the worst feelings to me.  Well, I suppose because it leaves me feeling ashamed – alienated and alone and a little crazy, like there’s something wrong with me because you didn’t understand me.  If I could just get you to understand me, see things from my perspective, validate me, then, maybe then, I would feel “okay.”  I’ll go ahead and tell you that I’ve read enough self-help books AND paid to get a counseling degree AND paid for lots of therapy to know that this is co-dependent and unhealthy, and just plain untrue.  Maybe some of you wouldn’t have had to go to such great lengths, (again perhaps it’s just me…), but I did.  And truth be told, I still don’t really get it deep down.  My head has all of this great knowledge, but it’s not all wisdom (someone said that wisdom is applied knowledge…I like that definition).  Shame is deep.  It’s amazing that the next line that surfaced in my mind and heart right now are “Love is deeper still.”  Hallelujah – that is a miracle!  Seriously, that is part of the transforming power of the Holy Spirit,  that I truly believe – in my heart of hearts - that love is bigger and deeper than shame.  With that I will rest for the night…I want to go fold laundry while I watch “Broadway or Bust” on PBS…just for the record, I don’t actually want to fold laundry…and the show will likely stir up all kinds of grief, envy and longing amidst awe and inspiration!  Just how it goes around here in this heart of mine! 

Peace out,

Kristie