So I looked up German Shepherds online and I found a small breeder that talked a lot about "Schutzhund".
Schutz = protection or shelter, hund = dog
I found myself reading lengthy pieces of information about the schutzhund training - the skills, charatceristics, and the loyalty that these dogs must posess in order to pass theses tests are astounding.
Indeed, once certified, it is quite certain that these dogs would give their lives for their owners - their loyalty is so deep. It's true that a lot of dogs feel loyal to their owners; just read the news and you will find all sorts of stories about dogs staying with their owners when they're in peril, or grieving the loss of an owner.
I've read stories, books even, about search and rescue dogs, police dogs and other working & family dogs - the commitments they have to those they love seems unparalleled.
I found tears in my eyes as I read how these dogs jump over walls, retrieve weights, track scents, stay right be the owner's side. The tears were followed by my heart speaking - uttering these words: "These dogs are more loyal than You, God."
My intellect quickly jumps to God's defense...uh, hello, He gave His life...I consider that loyal.
But my heart reveals my truth. I trust a dog to protect me - to shelter me - more than I do God. I find dogs more faithful in their relationship to their owners than I do God to me.
It pains me to say this.
Lyrics pass through my mind with the Truth: "You're the only One who's faithful to me."
But my heart is torn. I feel deeply unprotected by God in this world and I don't trust Him to protect me or my girls. I find it insanely difficult to live with a vulnerable heart, as a girl, or a woman, in a world that at every turn seems to rape, defile, sell, mock, violate, murder and commit acts of violence that are so unspeakable only Satan himself dare own.
And I live with a God who WILL not guarantee my safety. Sure, my soul is safe and secure. But what about the rest of me?
Tho even as I write that last sentence I realize that abuse - no matter how "minor" - tears at our souls - not just our bodies. So, my soul isn't "safe" or "secure" - it too is torn. Yes, I will one day see my Savior and I will weep - likely with tears of joy over seeing His beautiful face, and sorrow for my foolishness, all at the same time. But what about now? My soul isn't settled like Paul's was in order to say that it's all rubbish in exchange for knowing Christ.
I saw a headline tonight (the story I did not read for I need not) - a woman who was gang-raped in Chicago received millions of dollars from the courts. What fools. Really - it's almost like saying, "That's how much you're worth." You can be gang-raped for $2 million or $22 million. We'll pay you when they're done. It sounds savage. It is. The whole thing. Money doesn't get your soul, your dignity, your personal safety and power back. It gets you therapy and places to rest and be cared for and a really good body guard. But the damage is done.
And God didn't protect her. Nor did He protect the girl in India who was raped and murdered in ways that I hope everyone involved roasts in hell for eternity.
And He didn't protect me.
I'm tired of letting God off the hook. I can't continue quieting - shutting up - my heart because my head knows some "answers". If He's God, where in this multi-verse is He? Has He not had enough? Is He not sick and tired of the hell that we've created? Does He not see the women and children crying out in agony day after day, night after night? When will He come and enact justice. Justice like those evil sons of bitches deserve. I'm tired of thinking that justice includes caring about the stories of the perpetrators. They all chose evil at some point. We all choose how we'll live with the pain and suffering that's been committed against us. Will we turn into those we hate? Or will we find the strength to forgive and choose the path of love?
Every time I think I've forgiven and am on the path of love I come back to this place with God. It's not over yet. I know He can handle my truth; and I trust that in speaking my truth I will find freedom. I'm scared - terrified to stay with these feelings and thoughts. Terrified that peace will never come.
But I have to know - is a well-loved dog more loyal than He is? Can I really trust Him? Or is a GSD trained in "schutzhund" my best bet to make it through this world with some sense of personal safety?
What say You, my God? Will you shut me up like Job?
Will you finally come for this heart of mine?
Maranatha. Come Lord Jesus. I have no where else to go, but You.
