A conversation with a friend the other night about Calvinism led us to talking about the idea of being “wretched" and sharing that with people as a way of communicating God’s great love for us. (If I got the gist of the conversation wrong, forgive me and let me know…this is what I was left with).
I bristle at someone calling me wretched (taken from Paul in Romans…a highly disputed passage…uh, book), or at someone calling me “depraved” as Calvin’s Institutes do (this was the part that everyone said first at seminary, although there’s much more to what Calvin had to say). Though I believe that I have nothing good in me of my own, that I cannot save myself, that as a believer I still sin and do things that in my deep heart I really don’t want to do, it’s not “good news” to me that God loves me while I am such a miserable, loathsome creature if first I don’t deeply know that God thought of me long ago with great delight and love, He made me in His image, fashioning me and forming me – inside and out. That He knows my propensity to “wander” – aka sin – doing it my way, living as if I am God and not the beloved creature, yet He loves me and always has - even before Christ He loved me – yes, this is good news. But I must first know how valuable I am in His sight. In Christ, I am made holy and righteous, but even without Christ I was still of immense value and worth to God. Because I am His.
So here is the rub: when sharing the Gospel with someone like me who has long struggled with an abiding sense of value, worth, self-acceptance and true self-love, please don’t start with how wretched and depraved I am. That just leads me to more self-condemnation and agrees with the lies that I believe so easily and the shame from which I struggle so deeply to be free.
Before you go thinking that I am dismissing reformed theology, listen. Jesus found me. He has changed me in so many ways. He did for me what I could never do for myself. He has given me a new heart and a new mind and a love for myself, Him and others that I never knew before He healed me and poured His love into me. He did this. This is an essential aspect of Calvinism - to Him alone be the glory! But I must tell you of my experience with reformed theology and many of its followers. When I found reformed theology by going to the seminary with that name, I had finally found the “truth!” During my graduate studies and for several years after, I lived with a sense that I finally had discovered the truest truth, THE way to interpret the Scriptures, THE right way to think about God. Thankfully, God was gracious to show me the arrogance that had filled my soul. As He changed my heart and mind (semper reformanda!), I came to see that there is a spirit of pride and arrogance that filled the halls and hearts of many that I studied alongside (as well as my own soul). As I’ve encountered other “reformed” people, I have brushed up against this same arrogance and pride that I know all too well.
It’s been through the breaking of my heart and mind that I have come to know how much I don’t know, in fact, how little I know, and the little I do know is more about God than it is of experiencing Him. I long to know Him more, to taste and see, feel and hear, smell and be absolutely drunk with Him. In this breaking, He has shown me why reformed theology was so appealing to me – I am deeply insecure, and anything that seems to be the “right” way is SOOOOO appealing to me. I can find security in being right. I can show others how much I know (and in turn how little they know and therefore, I can feel better about myself). He showed me how the story of my life has shaped the lenses through which I see everything – myself, Him, His world and His people. The wounds that I’ve received, the needs that have gone unmet, the lies that have wrapped themselves around my heart and warped my ability to see as He sees. These all shape the way that I see Him and how I choose to interact with Him. They inform my theology and my liking for a particular kind of theology. The opening of my eyes, the wresting of the tentacles of lies from around my heart, the filling of the empty places, and the healing of the wounds that have long denied me of my God-given worth and value are His great work of redemption in my life. And it’s only as He does this work that I can cry out with Paul “oh what a wretched man I am...” and know how deeply loved, worthy, and valuable I am at the very same time.
So please, when sharing the Gospel with the broken (even if they don’t act broken…that’s just the mask that covers insecurity, fear and shame, and the question most of us carry…will you love me if you see the real me?), start with their immense value to God, the God who sees underneath the masks, the false selves, and the pretenses -the God who came to “bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.” THAT is GOOD NEWS!!!
