Women

Tonight I went to two "female" events - the first a networking group of which I'm a part; the second was a party hosted for two other friends in direct sales (I also had a table there with my Juice Plus+ stuff).  I have ambivalence about "female" events - women can be so damn mean.  The first event was a hit - we had a good turnout, I met new people and had an overall enjoyable time.  It was over half way into the second event when I encountered a few women who typify what I don't like about females. 
Warm to some; cold to others.  Standoffish.  Rude with a smile.  Sarcastic.  Contemptuous in subtle ways.  In the presence of women like this I lose my footing - am I accepted?  Am I wanted?  I fall into people pleasing mode because I want them to do the impossible - approve of me.  The thing is - when I stop and look at who they are and how they treat others, I don't like them and definitely don't want them to be in my life in any way. 
The exchange was short, but very quickly it was clear that I wasn't part of the "in crowd" and soon enough I was overtly put "in my place."  Shame.  Yep, she used it.  It's amazing how subtle yet how extremely powerful it is.  She made a comment - more with body language than words - that expressed contempt towards me; it seemed as though I was the butt of a joke (though I didn't ever hear one...).  Well, I definitely don't like that feeling.  I know that one all too well. 
Instead of engaging her in the contempt, I turned around and walked away.  Only I no longer made eye contact with them and my demeanor changed.  Bummer!  I gave her power over me even though the whole time my heart was saying that I didn't want a woman like that to be my customer anyway - she was mean-spirited.  I look forward to the day when I have words - strong, piercing, loving, exposing (like ripping the bandage off a wound)  words - in the moment.  I long for the day when I don't react but thoughtfully respond.  Little by little.  Step by step I'm getting there. 
It wasn't until I looked back at the words I used to describe these women that I realized how close to home hit.  These women withhold approval and acceptance, dangle it, offer it freely to chosen others, but make some of us pay for simply existing.  Damn, do I know this bind. 
I don't want to be a woman like that - shaming, withholding, insecure, contemptuous, unpredicatble, snide.  Even as I write, I'm aware of how easy it would be to "take her apart" with my insight and effectively shame her...all so I don't have to feel the hurt of what happened.  But I'm tired of living that way - self-protecting, covering my vulnerable, feminine heart, my strong, fiercly loving heart. 
I want to love with abandon resting in Your love and acceptance of me.  Heal the wounds that still sting, and make new connections in my brain so that my attachment is wholly to You.