Beauty's unspoken rules

I broke rules yesterday.  It was like walking through a field waiting for land mines to detonate.  As I write these words I feel the level of violence that is right next to beauty - or perhaps the violence that pursues beauty without fainting. 
I went to a women's luncheon that I help lead - in a long bright pink dress, with dangling chandelier earrings, and a flower in my casual up do.  Although I was keenly aware that I hadn't shaped my eyebrows in a couple of weeks, I actually felt pretty.  That's not the norm.  This is what I'm used to:

Be pretty, but not too pretty.
Be pretty so other women compliment you and admire your beauty, but don't overdo it or they'll feel jealous and will hate you for your beauty.
In fact, be pretty, but NOT beautiful.
Be beautiful because men love beautiful women - and when women aren't jealous, they do, too.
Don't be too beautiful though - that's dangerous. If you're too lovely, you invite the violence of men against you - the lust of their eyes devouring you and the possibility of physical violence against you trying to steal and posess your beauty.
Don't flaunt your beauty - that's arrogant.
Don't stand out amidst the crowd - blend in - but feel free to add your own touch of personality - just don't overdo it.

In the midst of feeling content with how I looked, I also felt fear and ambivalence.  I was afraid what other women would say to me, or how they would look at me. 
I've felt contempt so many times - the hatred that pours forth from eyes and mocking words, "I hate you because of how you look and who you are."  That from women who don't actually know me - maybe they just met me or perhaps I'm walking by.  They don't know me - but they hate me.  In some ways it would be great if understanding their contempt towards me helped me feel better, but  it hasn't.  I've used my insight as a shield to blunt the pain of the piercing swords that are the world's ravaging hatred of all that is lovely and beautiful.  That just means that my heart has another layer of hardness covering it - just another way that I agree that my beauty is too much - not at all what I really want.

The self-hatred, the disgust, the rejection of one's own body, feminity, vulnerability...these all lead to the contempt towards others who have what you think you want or need.  Those feelings have been friends - or shall I say foes...and I kept my foes closer than my friends - for many years.  They too work as a shield - or at least we pretend that they do.  If I feel self-hatred I don't have to deal with the deep hurt, pain, real rejection I've experienced.  I get to stay a victim and blame others. 
I've lived that way for a long time.  That's not how I want to live the rest of my life. 

So, I broke the rules.  And there was one comment just as I expected, but after that I was surprised at what I found - several women who seemed to freely offer, "You look beautiful!"  "Oh that dress is a lovely color on you."  "Wow - you look so pretty." 

Those words were gifts to me.  And they gave me courage to break the rules again.  I feel the shackles falling off with each "rule" I break - more freedom to be who God made me to be.  Now, that's life!!!