Tension

Today I'm feeling discouraged.  I'm trying to hold in tension the truths that I know, with the circumstances around me.  I suppose this is what it means to walk by faith; but I'm not there - yet.  My tendency is to try to do things "right" - namely so they'll work out - and work out the way I think they should.  This - trying to be the "good girl" - is my sin and my brokenness.  I still have so far to go in trusting that my Heavenly Father truly has my good on His heart all the time - at the same time that He holds His intimate love for all of His children - whew - glad I don't have His job :)  But if I'm honest with my feelings and my perspective today (which is in large part what I have), I feel defeated. 

The short version (well it's likely not going to be that short) of the story is that we need more money so we can get out of debt.  Our debts aren't due to flashy vacations or flat screen TVs (BTW - I'm not opposed to either of those); they're from grad school.  Mind you, grad school where we got degrees that neither of us use.  So, of course I can go down the road of questioning if God really led me/us there; if so, why?  It seems that a few years of individual therapy and lots of healing prayer would have accomplished the same things and been cheaper; and heck, we've had more than a few years of therapy in addition to the degrees!  If either of us were practicing therapists, the debt would seem reasonable, feasible, etc.  Since we're not and we've both sensed that practicing therapy is not part of our futures, the debt feels even more like a noose around my neck or an unwelcome continual reminder of something I don't enjoy. 

Now I know that we both use our counseling skills everyday and that God used that graduate program to change us and heal us.  But that's how I talk myself out of my feelings - my present reality; I rationalize, intellectualize, minimize, deny...the list goes on. 

I wonder if the Israelites did those things, or did they just give God how they felt, the low-down on what the situation looked like from their perspectives, and that their reality at times just flat out sucked.  Because I have the tension of having God's word and my feelings and viewpoint.  In this day and age, we get to look back  and see how it all turned out for the Israelites and God's people throughout time.  Yes, this is supposed to be encouraging, but is it supposed to nullify my current experience?  I don't think the latter is what God intended.  Afterall, people who always see how it worked out well, miss God (and themselves) in the process.  To make matters worse, it didn't always turn out well for God's people.  Jesus still went to the cross, Abraham and Sarah still had to wait an inordinate amount of time after God promised them a child, David screwed up and left a less than pure legacy.  I do take great comfort in many of David's and the other Psalmists' words...particularly HOW LONG O LORD? 

I think about this for my dear friends who have been struggling with unexplained infertility.  On paper they are picture perfect reproductive specimens; in current reality they have yet to conceive even after much healing from the Lord.  Meanwhile, I'm pregnant with our 2nd baby and so is another dear friend of this couple - both of us pregnant without "trying."  I could intellectualize this away because we are God's children and He's blessing us (but does this then mean He's not blessing my friends? This line of thinking fails and falls short of living in the reality of this world...God gives the rain to the righteous and the wicked...so no amount of doing it right is going to get us God's blessings - ugh! I am slow to learn this.)...for there are loads of people who get pregnant every day that are less than deserving, ready to be parents, desiring of children, etc.  So, as I often find myself, I'm back at Psalm 73: "When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me...When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you." 

I confess that once again I try to understand and I end up embittered.  Have mercy on me Most Merciful Father.  Lift up the eyes of my heart to You that I would see You and find refuge in Your loving arms. 
The Psalm doesn't end there and neither does my story - or yours. 

It ends like this:
"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

How long did it take the Psalmist to get there?  I don't know.  Did he let himself stew in his feelings and his limited viewpoint?  It seems so.  But His "never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love" lifted the Psalmist out of the miry clay and brought Him into his Abba's lap.  And so He does for me.  I suppose this is how I hold the tension of my feelings, my viewpoint, and the truth of God and His word - I hold it in my little, feeble hands as He holds me in His strong, loving, tender, able hands of grace and mercy. 

So, I'm back to some of the first true words I ever learned:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

PS- Thanks to Sally Lloyd-Jones', The Storybook Bible, for her wonderful depiction of God's love.