Why do we expect from our children what we don’t require of ourselves?
Let me explain.
Recently a friend said that at some point kids need to learn to soothe themselves, or they’ll never learn to do it. I agree. However, at what point and how they learn this are quite controversial among parents and critical to the well-being of the child. For example, do you let a newborn cry himself to sleep because he’s been up every hour for the past 5 hours over the last 2 weeks and you’re exhausted? Do you rock a 3 year old to sleep and let her sleep in your bed even though she might be working you over? Are there definitive answers to these questions? Well, as parents we all have to come to answers for ourselves. My desire is that parents will come to truly educated answers rather than those that simply work best for them. After all, the first line of the job description of being a parent wouldn’t say anything about having one’s cake and eating it, too. For what’s best for me right now would seem to be a couple of months of uninterrupted sleep – a good 8-9 hours a night sounds just right. However, in order to get this I would have to do something that would be detrimental for my daughter – leave her alone at night when she awakes and let her deal with her emotions by herself, leave her with family or friends…I’m sure there are other options. Yet none of them allow me to “have my cake and it eat too”…do what’s best for me and what’s best for my daughter at the same time. As a parent I am asked to give more than I ever thought was possible to give. I recently read in the book Playful Parenting by Dr. Cohen that children cannot just soothe themselves, that in fact leaving a child to "cry it out" is a misinformed decision. This is because a child must receive so much comfort and nurturing that he or she has internalized the comfort and has the resources to draw on them when mommy or daddy isn’t present. Honestly, I haven't internalized comfort THAT much, and my friends who are honest haven't either! So, to ask a little baby who doesn’t know the concept of object permanence to comfort itself is asking that baby to grow up and not be a baby. So, why do we expect our children to grow up when apparently we have not “grown up”?
Here are some examples that come to mind.
Comfort and soothe yourself.
How many adults do you know that can actually soothe themselves without the help of something or someone else? Don’t all of us turn to something – food, T.V., a book, God, a friend, something more than a blankie or a stuffed animal? In fact, those adults that we do know that comfort themselves all the time and don’t reach out to friends are seen as having a neurosis.
Keep a strict schedule.
We ask our little ones to eat, play, and sleep at the same times every day (supposedly this schedule is based on the child’s schedule, but I don’t know of too many children that actually do the same things at the same times every day).
Say please, thank you, and share your toys.
Now I know we need to teach our children manners. I teach my daughter to say please and thank you; I’m working on teaching her to share. I’m aware however that as adults we don’t often follow these same rules. Why is that?
Sleep in your own bed by yourself.
I like my space. We have a king size bed and I don’t like to cuddle at night; I prefer to stretch out. I think I could actually take up a whole king size bed by myself (and I’m not that big). Yet I still take comfort in knowing that my husband is just an arm’s length away if I need him. Yet we put little children by themselves in their own rooms.
Oh, and you should be sleeping through the night by now.
As much as I would like for my daughter and any future children to sleep through the night at a very young age so that I could get some sleep, I know it’s not a realistic expectation. After all, many nights I get up to go to the bathroom or turn over or fix the covers and have a hard time falling back asleep. If my husband wasn’t sleep deprived too, I’d ask him to rub my head or back until I could fall asleep again. So, why would I expect a child to sleep for 9-12 hours without waking up and needing something from me?
Take a bottle; you don't need to nurse anymore. You're going to be too dependent.
Really? Too dependent? Most folks that live in this country are not too dependent. Even though some may look it, I would say that it's because they've never been allowed to be truly dependent and grown up into autonomy that they are fiercly independent or neurotically dependent as adults. Our culture celebrates independence like it's salvation...yet our salvation requires exactly the opposite...fierce dependence...it's the little children that Jesus didn't chastise, but welcomed with open arms.
I don’t think that other parts of the world have these same expectations for children. Perhaps it’s because they don’t have the luxury of having more than one room to sleep in or even one bed to sleep on. Most of the world lives and works with children at their feet, grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles sharing the job of raising children. So much of the world lives in a collectivistic culture unlike our individualistic culture. I wonder if it’s our culture that breeds these expectations of children. No culture is perfect; not theirs or ours, but we do have a lot to learn from the rest of the “underdeveloped world.” (What a misnomer.)
I wonder what it will be like one day in the new Heavens and the new Earth when all of our needs are met and we share and give generously and joyously. I wonder what it will be like when, as children of God, our Father Himself wipes away every tear from our eyes and we are at last comforted and rest fully in our dependence on Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment