Unexpected gifts

I thought it was just a quick trip to Dillards to return an item, I didn't know it was a date!  Liana Joy and I made our way past the return counter over to the sparkly rings and other bling...I tried on a big "diamond" ring just for fun.  I have to admit the newness and the sparkles started to win my heart, but my ring (which needs desperately to be shined) is so lovely and precious, filled with meaning and beauty.  Ah, my heart was content - for a moment.  Then we continued on our way up the "lator" - aka the escalator.  On our first ascent, I was focused on getting us back around to the other side so we could make our descent.  On the second trip up, I looked up and it was all over...my eyes began taking in the beauty.  So, I stopped and noticed the beautiful clothes hanging so lifelessly on the headless mannequins. 

What follows is the conversation I had with myself:

"Wow - that would look good on me (I've grown enough in my life to affirm myself without hiding behind the false humility of self-contempt - yay!)  See, I know what I like (many days it seems that I have a hard time knowing what I like or what I want, who I am, etc.), it's just that it's insanely expensive.  Even if we had the money (which correctly implies that we don't), I wouldn't be able to buy them; something inside me feels that it's just wrong to spend that much money on a shirt or a dress."

Let me pause here to tell you why - and to let this verbal processor continue to work out my thoughts about this issue.

I sincerely feel that it's wrong to spend so much money on clothing, and most material posessions.  As I say that, I swallow hard because I know that I can be a hypocrite with this very issue.  Maybe it's codependency - I don't deserve to spend that much on myself...no, that's not it.  I don't have a problem spending money on myself when I feel good about it.  It's that I know too much - those clothes were made for - at best - 1/10th of what they're selling for, and made by people who live in poverty.  I have seen some of these impoverished people with my own eyes - they are burned on my heart so I can't forget them.  I remember my friend Pilar telling a story about some of the first poor people she worked with.  They were her neighbors.  She asked herself why she should have running water while her less fortunate neighbors do not?  Don't they have as much worth and dignity as she?  So, she and her husband helped the people get running water.  (They're a an amazing couple who work with the poor in Mexico City - for more info check out:  http://www.armoniaus.org/index.html   So, how can I with a clear conscience, buy these clothes made on the backs of those faces that I see?  Perhaps if I had loads of money and bought only a few clothing items that lasted several years.  Perhaps if I gave away lots of money to help those in need.  Perhaps if I worked for an organization that brings relief to some of the injustice in the world.  Maybe then I would feel okay about it?  I don't know.  I just don't know that it's right - for me - to have really expensive items.  Maybe it's because my heart would become too entangled and want to posess them instead of enjoy them.  I have a few really nice items that I treasure; I really enjoy them.  If I lost them, I would grieve.  Is my heart already ensnared?  Maybe.  But perhaps it's what these items represent to me that I treasure the most - who gave them to me, why, where they came from.  A dear friend recently gave me a beautiful scarf that was made by women in Cambodia through a program called Sak Saum which means dignity in Khmer.  This program "addresses the issues of human trafficking and exploitation in practical and compassionate ways."  My scarf was made by these women that have been rescued from exploitation and are being bestowed with dignity.  I think that wearing the scarf bestows me with more dignity because it's a small step in bringing justice. 

God loves justice.  He says it over and over again in His word.  Just take a look:
http://www.biblegateway.com/keyword/index.php?search=justice&version1=31&searchtype=all&limit=none&wholewordsonly=no&startnumber=126&startnumber=1

I know that it's not about owning expensive items; I know I can be ensnared by cheap material possessions; the cost isn't the real issue.  It's my heart - am I willing to lay it all down to follow him whether I'm the rich young ruler or the blind beggar, Bartimaeus.  Am I willing to receive the gifts He has for me - whether they're valuable in this world or not? 

As I walked by the clothes, I asked, "Lord, clothe me in Your robes, in Your righteousness."  (Lest you think I am more upright of heart than I truly am, know that this is a great growth step for me.  My main sin is envy - see the Eneagram type 4 and you'll have a picture of me!)  I am learning to love myself as I am - "no more, no less" (thanks Rach & Eugene!)

What happened next was a wonderful gift.  The Lord whispered to my heart that I am clothed in beauty; that I am much more beautiful than those clothes.  As we descended to the first floor again, the cheesy department store music station sang out with "Isn't she lovely..."the old Stevie Wonder hit.  That song just happens to be the one that the Lord has sung to me before in other unexpected ways.  So, I smiled, sang along and received that gift - one much more life-giving than any of the clothes hanging on the lifeless dummies.

Matthew 6:28-33

Learning to rest as His beloved daughter,
Kristie